Originally Posted by rungsoftheladder
The transition from cheating to poly may not be as difficult as it normally would seem as we've built a bit of a foundation already.
I'm not so sure I would call that a "foundation." Sure, you talked about non-monogamy and it seemed like you were both sort of on the same page with the idea, but yet you were both
sneaking around behind each other's back, lying about it, and keeping it a secret. If you hadn't caught them, it doesn't seem like she ever would have told you.
It almost seems like you were both willing to discuss "open" so that you both would feel less guilty about cheating on your spouses. It's like, well we both agree that people aren't mono, so that makes it ok to cheat. But that doesn't make it ok!
From where I'm sitting, the only "foundation" you've built is a habit of lying and sneaking. That is not a foundation for transitioning to open honest responsible polyamory. It may be a foundation for a successful "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy and if you choose to go that route that's your choice. I just can't, personally, imagine being in love with someone and not wanting to tell everyone I know, especially the people closest to me such as my husband...