I cheated, then we opened the marriage, and my husband seemed fine with our poly arrangement. Things were going pretty well. My husband and my bf were friends, we even went out a few times together, all 3 of us. Sometimes the 2 guys would meet for a beer. We laid all the boundaries down, and I was happier than I'd been in the 4 years I'd been trying to resist the other man with little success.
I encouraged my husband to find a gf, to which he was reluctant at first, but once he found one, our poly journey turned into a nightmare. I was crazy jealous, and he started lying. Big lies, little lies, and throwing my cheating past up in my face.
I don't really have advice. I'd just say, I wish we'd worked through the pain of the cheating, before we went forward with anything else. Him going elsewhere to heal his wounded ego, just made things terribly complicated.
It is tricky to find a balance on what you share with one another about your extramarital activities. I wanted to know details, was excited by them at first, then after the fact, they CRUSHED me. But I could have gotten past that -- the worst thing of all was being lied to, by the man I'd been married to for 12 years. I never thought he'd feel the need to lie to me. I don't even know where to go from here, because of it.
Please figure out SOON what you want to share and what you'd rather keep discreet. I think everyone has a different comfort level with that. I understand the thrill of the sneak, but there is a lot of gray area, between the joy of the truth, and the horrors of the lie.
I don't want to sound terribly negative! Some of our poly moments were extremely joyful for me. I guess I had unrealistic expectations. I didn't really believe my husband would fall in love with the other woman, then lie to me about it. I think I had a huge ego -- I wanted a one-vagina policy! Things didn't go my way.
Fighting the bitterness. I wish you much success and happiness on your journey. Coming here to the forum is one way to really increase your chances. Lots of good perspective and personal experience to draw from. Best wishes!