Phew... so... ok... I am so flustered right now...
I spent the evening gaming with Davis and our friends Jay and Larry. Fun times, lotta laughing, lotta geekery, some drinking. I posted about Jay a good while back -- he's Davis's best friend and I have a tiny little crush on him. It's the funniest thing. We've known each other a long time, but it's only in the last year that I could say we've genuinely been friends. Davis knows I find him attractive and has no problem with that.
He's an unusual looking guy, but somehow he really does it for me. Tall and very thin, sharp face, big hands and long fingers that I keep noticing... fuuuuuuck. He's very, very hard to get to know. He's closed off unless he knows you very well, he'll barely make eye contact, he has this wall of sarcasm and indifference but when you get to know him you realize that rather than being callous he's paying very close attention to the people around him and is always ready to try to help out in some subtle, understated way.
So, I've noticed just a hint of a flirty dynamic between us before. As we've become more comfortable with each other it's slowly built. With a guy who's usually so closed, just the act of making eye contact often feels intimate. Lately we've been joking, talking more, bonding little by little over a dozen tiny things over the course of the night, like giving Davis some mutually agreed upon piece of advice for how to deal with his crappy roommate, or helping each other learn a new game, or sharing a joke that no one else seems to be getting in quite the same way. It's been a mild thing that I thought was maybe just in my own head, but tonight it was more pronounced.
I keep noticing his damn hands. God, I can only imagine how they'd feel. Plus, tonight he was wearing leather cuffs on both wrists... they didn't appear to be bondage cuffs, no place to attach them to anything, just accessories, but my brain still clicked off for a second when I noticed them, I swear.
I haven't felt crushed out quite like this in years, maybe not since high school, in this unacknowledged and unacknowledgeable way. The "forbidden-ness" of it -- Davis's best friend, who's in a mono relationship with another mutual friend -- means I'm caught between enjoying the vibe and keeping a tight handle on it, and it just ends up being all the more engaging for that.
I'm positive, as of tonight at least, that it can't just be me, Jay has to have noticed it too, this dynamic we've slipped into. Hell, Davis has probably picked up on it too, he's an empathic sort of guy.
If anything ever, EVER even *began* to happen, it would be a disaster. A huge betrayal of Davis on more than one level, which I know neither Jay nor I would ever countenance, not to mention of Jay's gf, who's really a sweet girl. Maybe, *maybe* some day things could become chill enough all around that it might be a possibility. It seems deeply unlikely, and there are other complications, such as the fact that Jay's other best friend, who dates Davis's sister, had never forgiven me for cheating on Davis back in the day.
I just really needed to get all that out.
It's just harmless flirtiness, yeah? And hell, it's so subtle that most people probably wouldn't even pick up on it. Should I enjoy it or quash it? Is it innocent or dangerous? Should I say something to Davis? I think the answer has to be yes on that score -- I have to let him know that I'm feeling this vibe between me and Jay, that I absolutely don't intend to act on it but that it's there. Gotta be honest and circumspect.
And in the meantime... masturbate furiously... er, I mean, cold shower...
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.