Did I mention yet how awesome I was at communication? Well, if I did I lied...
The past year and a half Iíve now realized that I have been keeping too much to myself. I donít think Iím alone in that but the responsibility for my feelings and fears are on me alone. I have to trust that B is being honest and keeping me informed.
Shortly after B started to press opening things up and I freaked out I tried to take a step back and figure out WHY I was so upset. Was it because she wanted to try something out new sexually? Not really, I like to encourage that in her. Was it because the other guy would have something I donít? Again not really. Thatís actually part of why it should be good for her. Was it because she might leave me? No, because she might leave me regardless of him being there or not. Especially if Iím whiny, clingy and a downright depressing person. But anywho.. Was it because Iím not getting the cool exciting sex? Now weíre getting somewhere! Ok, but wait.. Iím not getting the cool exciting sex now so how is that different? Well when did I stop getting the cool exciting sex I want? And what have I done to convey that to B? Oh yeah, nothing.
So probably the second conversation B and I had was where I started to really go into why I really was feeling so upset. Since I'd been building this up for so long it was a lot for her to take in. She felt that I was over reacting and over thinking things when it was actually me just dealing with a years worth of baggage at once. A literal volcano of emotions.
One of the biggest things that came out in our talks was our current understanding of sex in our relationship. B said she always thought of us as a once a week type of couple. I considered us a 3 times a week (not a huge difference in reality, but it sure feels it to me). She said that when she thought of what she liked most in our relationship, sex wasn't near the top of the list. For me, I thought our (in my mind) high sexual energy was a large part of what defined us and set us apart from other marriages. Where I might think sex was a good 60% of our relationship, to her it was more of a 10%. And it was this understanding (which I'm still coming to terms with) that made me start to understand her better and why we seemed to have this disconnect. I'm still floored that there could be this large difference there. But I've also been coming to the conclusion that it's ok. We're two different people and we're both entitled to our own opinions, wants and needs. What's important is that we support each other. Which I think she definitely has. It's just taking some adjustment getting used to the fact that I didn't know her feelings as well as I thought I did but that doesn't diminish what our relationship is or has been.
So another thing that Iíve recently come to realize (with the help of a friend) is that this is the first REAL time that B and I have had an argument. In 12 years of knowing each other, weíve pretty much always managed to be on the same page. And the couple of times we havenít weíve quickly come to terms and there wasnít really much to worry/fight about. Which also kind of sucks because it means weíve never had makeup sex. But thatís beside the point.
But the main thing is that I've been having to learn how to communicate effectively when we're not on the same page. So +2 points for growth???
One other thing I've been trying to keep in mind as we've been having our talks is that I don't want it all negative. The negative is what I'm obviously having a hard time dealing with but that doesn't mean that I don't still deeply love her and care for her. So I've been trying to keep our talks spaced out and end if I can tell she's shutting down. And also try to ask her what she's feeling (since it's not all about me!). I've also been trying to remind her of all the ways I love her, which she's also been doing as well which has helped quite a bit.
So that's all I've got for now on this subject. Until next time!