Thread: help?
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Old 11-04-2009, 04:21 AM
CaptZebra CaptZebra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
I'm not entirely sure what to tell you CZ. It sounds like you have some experience with poly. You both set your ground rules....twice. You've not indicated anything to suggest that she went outside the boundaries of your agreement. You trust her...yet you have anxiety and regret about agreements you made. Am I interpretting all this right?

Mostly. I don't think regret is really the right word tho. I definitely trust her and not only has she not gone out of the boundaries, she's not done anything with anyone at this point, though I believe she will be seeing this person fairly soon.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
I'm sure some around here will chime in anytime to offer their viewpoints as well...and some will probably suggest that you can try to go back to being mono...but she may not want to...and indeed she may not be able to, depending on how inclined she is to poly.

It does sound like you need to communicate with her about this. Did you tell her how you felt after she was allowed to make out? Have you told her how you feel now?

I do need to communicate with her about this and will talk to her later this evening. I told her how I felt after telling her she could make out (which she hasn't even done yet) but it wasn't really a conversation... it was very brief, one-sided, and via IM.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
I'd suspect if you have no reason to restrict her, and you don't feel stopping her will help anything...then you probably just need to communicate through this. She should be aware of your feelings...and it may or may not affect her decision to carry on as if normal, or slow down and give you time to adjust.

I don't have any reason to restrict her and I don't really feel like that is a useful or reasonable thing to do. I felt awful after telling her I did not want her involved in a sexual relationship which is why I re-evaluated my decision.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
But if there's nothing you can identify rationally for your anxiety, then there's something else...something hidden...there's not much to do other than dig deeper.
UGH--but I don't wanna! A lot of what I'm feeling, I think, is just fear of the unknown... fear of our relationship and our lives changing. Hopefully it will be for the better or just different, not bad.

I also know that I do not feel as secure in our relationship as I would like to... I feel like I have to compete with the computer for her attention and lose a good part of the time. We've talked about that and its gotten a little better, not great. If she's going to see someone else, I want that time to come from computer time, which, again, we've talked about.

I am feeling somewhat better having gotten all this out. I am going to tell her I need to talk to her some more... not positive what I will say, but thinking about it.

Thanks. And thanks to Mono too for your words.
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