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Old 11-18-2011, 04:09 AM
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 439

Originally Posted by Missgt View Post
I worry that perhaps he is hoping that I will realize that I really need monogamy, but I also worry that my husband is hoping that poly is the real 'solution' for lack of better word.
Why worry? Why not ask?

It's hard enough, it seems, for you to sort out your own intentions, and desires, and limits without having to guess or assume or worry about the intentions, and desires, and limits of others. Nor should you make yourself responsible for the intentions, desires and limits of others.

So, you could, as you go along, make sure the "new guy" understands what your limits are, even (or perhaps especially) if your limits are set by your own confusion at the "pickle" in which you've landed. Surely, there are some things you wouldn't be comfortable with, some places you will not go.

On my OKCupid profile, I make it very clear, up front, that I am committed to my wife and our children, and that the commitment is not negotiable. That's one of my limits, and others will just have to deal with it.

Likewise, maybe you should do what you can to make sure "new guy" knows you are not going to end up in a monogamous relationship with him; if he was pinning his hopes on that, he may just lose interest . . . and that would be his loss.

On the other hand, if he understands that, and still wants to get to know you, and is still open to whatever your relationship becomes (short of exclusive monogamy), then you have something to build on.

. . . or so it seems to me, with my limited (not-quite-null) experience of actual poly relationships.
the cake is a lie
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