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Old 11-18-2011, 03:15 AM
Missgt Missgt is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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First I had a conversation with my husband because the more I thought about it the more I realized there was a conversation I needed to have with him as well. And the conclusion that I first came to with my husband is that I worry that we (me in particular) are exploring poly but what if it is really that I am a mono that is not in the right relationship? This is a fear of mine and he understands that. I don't know if there is really a way to know this yet, but I am going to give poly a true effort I am not looking to replace a relationship with another. I love my husband but we married very young and it has always been a very pragmatic relationship. I am a creature driven by emotion and he is more than anything... not. I think that while we are a good pair for the purpose of raising a family, of being 'productive' we are really more like best friends who have great sex but not the romantic connection really.

That being said... I had a conversation with the wonderful man I have had a few dates with. Well, I am a very emotional creature so for clarity I wrote a letter, actually wrote it three times to get it right and hand delivered it. I talked to him for a few minutes first (I think he was scared I was breaking things off). And I tried to be as honest as I could with him. The letter introduced him to the fact that I am married and went into our situation a little more, how long and number of children etc. It expressed that I am still unsure exactly what the situation will be with me. That while I know that I love my husband our relationship is very different that even the caring I have for him. I told him that my husband was aware from the first date I went on with him, that I was ashamed that I was too cowardly to tell him up front. I think what I really tried to convey was that I am still very confused and this is totally new ground for me. That I don't know if what I am truly seeking is to add to my existing relationship with additional loves or if my existing relationship has perhaps run its course. I told him that I know he is looking for something more long term and I don't know yet what the future looks like for me and relationship(s) and that was why I was really only looking for casual dating but that he was very special to me which is why I had to tell him everything if there was any hope for him to at least forgive me.

Result- baffling. He said it was a lot to process, then stroked my hair and told me he would like to continue to get to know me and we can figure it out. I worry that perhaps he is hoping that I will realize that I really need monogamy, but I also worry that my husband is hoping that poly is the real 'solution' for lack of better word. Even if I come to decide that poly is what is truly right for me and this new man signs on board I think that he would still be the 'mono' of the relationship but as long as he is willing to let me be me with whatever the final outcome is. Hopefully he was not just saying this and he is going to come to his senses tomorrow... I did tell him that if that changes... his desire to continue to get to know me... to please say something even it is a call, text, or e-mail.

I want to be clear I do love my husband but like I said our relationship is different... we got married very early when I was pregnant and had we not been married I think that perhaps a very long time ago we would have not worked through some of our issues. The difference between us and other couples who get married when pregnant is that we do have a genuine love and respect for eachother and are very compatible in many ways. My husband said the thing he thinks has left me longing for me is that emotionally I settled. Which I would have a hard time saying is a false statement but that doesn't mean I don't love him and respect him and want to see us both happy. The only question I continue to pursue now (as I told this new man) is what the answer to that is.

I wish that there were manuals for this that came with answers to every situation. We will see how this continues.
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