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Old 11-17-2011, 05:17 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default Feeling unsafe in the community

Over the past few months I have been receiving attention from a man in the poly community who is much older than me. I have no interest in dating him whatsoever. I have been pleasant in conversation with him but in no way flirtatious. Since the summer the comments have progressed from simply comments that he thinks I'm cute to almost constant suggestions of wanting to see me nude ect.

A couple of days ago I very very bluntly told him that the comments that he was making were unwelcome and they were making me uncomfortable. The next 2 comments over IM were: I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable. followed by, if I get out of line you can spank me. So I told him that was exactly the kind of innuendo that made me uncomfortable and ended the conversation there.

I thought I had blocked him on FB chat but my first attempt didn't work and the next day he started talking to me again. At first the conversation was very normal with no innuendo or anything and I was thinking "good, he got the message. I can relax". Then out of nowhere (we had been talking about work schedules) he asked me; how would you feel about a shower for 2?

At this point I'm feeling completely unsafe. I *know* he's not listening to me and has no respect for my boundaries. I'm worried about when I'm going to run into him in person and what he might do in person. I really had no idea of what to do.

During this time I'd been telling my husband what was going on. Despite my arguments that I wanted to take care of things by myself and not get the wife of the person in question involved (as it isn't her fault that her husband is behaving like this). My husband did contact her and I got an apology from him and a promise to stop. I still have him blocked on chat as I don't trust him farther than I can throw him.

It pisses me off that it took someone else stepping in for what I was saying to be taken seriously. Whatever happened to no means no? I know a lot of women play hard to get and maybe that's part of the problem. After being told directly that the sexual attention is unwanted that should put a stop to it. It shouldn't take another man talking to a man for a woman to be taken seriously. Regardless of how glad I am that it's over (for the time being) I feel like a child who needs to be taken care of rather than a grown adult who can speak for herself.

I'm glad my husband did step in. Otherwise it probably would have continued into physical touching. And as much as I think I would have smacked him for it likely I would have just left the situation rather than cause waves. I don't want to be afraid of causing waves. Poly does not mean available to anyone at any time. I want to feel safe in the community and that my personal boundaries will be respected.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.

Last edited by Derbylicious; 11-17-2011 at 11:38 PM.
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