Thread: help?
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Old 11-04-2009, 02:36 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Originally Posted by CaptZebra View Post
We were actively poly when we first met and were involved (introduced by a mutual partner) but have not had any other partners/dates/whatever since we got serious, 5 or so years ago.

I felt really horrible about it tho. I don't have any good reason to limit her.

...I told her it was ok if she had a sexual relationship with the person and we agreed on some ground rules (for lack of a better word).

But again, I feel horrible. I don't understand why I feel so awful about this. I'm definitely scared and anxious but if I excluded things from my life that made me scared and anxious, I'd never leave the house. I trust my partner and I have no reason to think this will negatively effect our relationship.

I don't know what to do. I want to tell her I changed my mind and that I don't want to be poly anymore but that isn't going to change things or make me feel better.
I'm not entirely sure what to tell you CZ. It sounds like you have some experience with poly. You both set your ground rules....twice. You've not indicated anything to suggest that she went outside the boundaries of your agreement. You trust her...yet you have anxiety and regret about agreements you made. Am I interpretting all this right?

I'm sure some around here will chime in anytime to offer their viewpoints as well...and some will probably suggest that you can try to go back to being mono...but she may not want to...and indeed she may not be able to, depending on how inclined she is to poly.

It does sound like you need to communicate with her about this. Did you tell her how you felt after she was allowed to make out? Have you told her how you feel now?

I'd suspect if you have no reason to restrict her, and you don't feel stopping her will help anything...then you probably just need to communicate through this. She should be aware of your feelings...and it may or may not affect her decision to carry on as if normal, or slow down and give you time to adjust.

But if there's nothing you can identify rationally for your anxiety, then there's something else...something hidden...there's not much to do other than dig deeper.
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