I'm now at rory's and she's at the university so I thought I'd write about a revelation I had on my way here. Many hours to just be by yourself and think..
In a quite short amount of time rory has told me in separate conversations:
1) her definition of love and that her love for her friends is the same love she feels for me and Alec
2) she loves a friend of hers, let's call her Ally (I know her too)
3) she would like to have sex with Ally
When she first told me about wanting to have sex with her, I felt bad. The feeling wasn't a very big one, but it existed. I brought it up in quite a few conversations with rory, because it somehow confused me, the whole thing. Me and rory have agreed not to start seeing anybody new until we both feel stable enough in our relationship. First I thought that my feeling a bit bad had to do with that, as in "there's same kind of love than with me and there's a connection and there would be sex, what more do you need for a relationship?". So I thought I was afraid rory would eventually start a relationship with Ally if they had sex and their feelings would deepen. And I sure aren't ready for that yet. I wouldn't mind her having sex with someone random though.
Anyway, since I'm not usually jealous at all, all this made me feel very weird and question my feelings. Where do they really come from? On my way here I realised it really wasn't the sex with Ally that bothered me, but rory's definition of love and the fact that by that definition she loves both me and Ally equally. It hurt me somehow. But then I started to question why shouldn't she love us equally, what's bad about that. The thing is, I have several friends that I love, in a friendly way. I separate romantic love and friend love in a way rory doesn't. So for me it felt like if I loved them all in the same way, there wouldn't be anything "magical" or "indefinable" in romantic love, which I feel there is.
The revelation I had last night was that I have a past trauma about this subject. My first boyfriend never loved me but I loved him. We had this conversation:
Me: I love you
Ex: I don't know what love is so I can't say I love you back. I really like you though.
And this never changed. During our one year long relationship he never once said he loves me and that was eventually the reason we broke up.
So deep down I'm scared that I love rory more than she loves me, or that I love her romantically and she only loves me like a friend.
Today we talked about this and I got some more clarity on what she feels. Rory also said she's not really sure anymore if the way she described her feelings was very accurate (she's not sure if it's entirely similar love for friends and partners, or if she's just had romantic feelings for several of her friends). That conversation made me feel much better and more special. Like the feeling I have for her is not one-sided.
Me: bi female in my 30's
Live-in partners: Hank and rory
Also dating: Yvonne and Zooey
Last edited by Mya; 11-17-2011 at 12:10 PM.