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Old 11-17-2011, 06:46 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I don't think there's anything wrong with "practicing" dating, as long as you're up front about it. When I first started chatting with Dreamy, a guy I met online, we both were recently separated and rusty at dating. So we agreed to practice with each other. That relieved the pressure we were feeling and made it enjoyable. We could allow for some bungling and missteps, and laugh about them, that way. And, there is nothing wrong with dating without a goal of advancing to something more serious, and doing it to just have fun, get used to meeting people, learn how to flirt, etc., ... practicing. In fact, I always recommend that anyone dating do it that way, and take the pressure off!

However, it isn't right to be as dishonest about it as you have been. To be married but not reveal it is unfair. I am separated and reveal that right way, even though it's very final to me and I know without a doubt reconciliation with my ex is not possible, because some people will not date someone who isn't yet divorced. If I was just practicing dating, I'm not about to pretend with someone that that's not what I'm about. You are being selfish, basically, by withholding important information from him that would enable him to make an informed decision. He chose to ask you out and you chose to lie. Is that really how you want to embark on a relationship? Even if it's just a date or two, starting off like that with someone sets a negative tone of dishonesty and manipulation. Where do you think it could go from there? You want to keep dating him, and you "feel awful," but yet you're still considering letting it continue. Not only is it unethical and just plain not nice to do to him, it will also make things even worse for you among this group of people of which he is a part. You will have to find a whole new set of friends because no one will trust you. Can you see that it will eventually, undoubtedly, all go kablooey in your face?

Tell him you are married the very next time you see him. Call him up and let him know you need to talk to him. I see no reason to wait. Tell him you have an open relationship with your husband and "permission" to date. Apologize profusely and sincerely for not telling him sooner, and explain that this is new to you and ask him to forgive. See if he will understand, but be ready for him to dump you. You may be surprised, though - I find that lots of guys who have heretofore been solely monogamous are totally fine with not being exclusive (I never use the word polyamorous with civilians, too confusing for many).

Next time, show other people the kind of respect you want to be shown, and approach dating with honesty and integrity.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 11-17-2011 at 07:15 AM.
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