Someone asked me what it meant to have a non-sexual boyfriend today and while I know I have written here somewhere on why and how it works for me I took it upon myself to update... It was really helpful to think of "why" from the perspective of "now" rather than of where I was at. I relived the story of how I got here with Leo and Mono and realized the strength I have gained as a result of my choices (phewf! It could of so gone in so many other directions).
This week and last I had a chance to debate the merits of "one true way" poly and "going at the pace of one who is struggling the most" and "OPP's (one penis policies). The discussion was interesting as is but it had other meanings for me than what was discussed. It helped me realize how powerful it can be to let go of control and feel uncomfortable for the sake of another... but also for oneself. Going at someone else's pace and allowing their fear to dictate the pace with full awareness of doing so, and giving full consent is a powerful tool if you can somehow make it clear that you are doing this because you hope to learn about your self rather than because you don't want to rock the boat.
Agreeing to Mono's terms to not have sex with Leo seemed cowardly on my part. I could of stood up for myself and said, "no, I will have sex with him and I will help you along with that but its my choice what I do." I didn't though because I instead choose to listen to myself when I thought I had to
have sex with Leo to keep him interested and keep him dating me. I decided to get to the core reason I thought I should have sex with Leo. It had nothing to do with the reason I first thought. Sure, I was lustful and in love, but there was more behind that that was not healthy. It was my feelings of self worth that needed my fixing.
From the outside it looked like Mono owned me and my decisions and that I was being controlled by his fear. My deciding to not have sex with Leo has meant that Mono has had time. He has seen that my love for him and myself is greater than any sex I could have with another. Its shown Leo that I cherish him beyond sex and that I will be here as a strong force in his life regardless. I could love him and do still, without having sex. It has shown his wife and family that I am a solid person regardless of the pressures that have been put upon our relationship. It has proved to me that I am worth something to him beyond sex and therefore can be worth more to other men too.
At the time it felt like I made "a" choice. Now I think it was the right one.
Here is what I wrote on the other thread when asked about having a non-sexual boyfriend.
Originally Posted by redpepper
I decided to not have a sexual relationship with him after a long slew of casual relationships that were brief and included sex or at least a lot of sexual innuendos and over sexualized discussion and flirting. I was sick of it. I felt cheap, dirty, used and that I was worthless in any other way than sexually. I didn't believe for one second that a man would want me for any other reason than to fuck me. I thought I would lose him because I was not available to have sex with. It turned out that he stuck around for three years now.
Mono was struggling with me creating a sexual relationship with him so it was convenient to say no. At the time I used Mono's fear and monogamous nature as a stepping stone to the non-sexual relationship we have now. I was addicted to the attitude/lifestyle/persona (whatever one wants to call it) and Mono helped pull me back from that kicking and screaming. I am much happier now for it. It wasn't working for me the way it was set up. I wasn't empowered as some women seem to be from being a "slut." I just felt like a "slut" in the bad sense.
I would be ready to move on from non-sexual now. We shall see where that goes if anywhere.... its complicated.