Originally Posted by jogger
Incidentally, shortly after I created this thread we had a discussion about what I would like our week to look like. She pointed out that the last week had been pretty good and as far as she was concerned she had met all of my requests, or at least made a good try of it. And she was frustrated that I was still feeling disconnected, suggesting that my need for more time together might be displaced from some other unmet need. If she couldn't meet my needs, she said, why don't I meet it somewhere else - that's the wonderful thing about being poly.
As much as I'd love to lay out a more in-depth week plan, I'm uncertain if it will necessarily work right now: her biggest request for me right now has been for more space to be alone in the house.
Perhaps you could do me a favour and pass this through your bullshit detectors - maybe I should sit back, meet my needs independently from her for a bit, see if the effort she is making replaces our prior pattern, and reassess after a month or two. Maybe I'll benefit from building a broader foundation from which to enjoy what she can offer anyways.
It's frustrating when a partner says something about how they thought the last week has been good, so everything is supposed to be OK, right? My husband does this, and assumes no discussion needs to happen anymore if I haven't mentioned a specific problem or expressed unhappiness, instead of actively remembering there is an ongoing communication problem in our relationship that needs to be worked on even when things seem good. If I had a solution to this I'd tell you, but I'm still working on that myself.
So my BS detector says - if she actually wants more time to be by herself, and less time with you, that makes sense because she feels distant, and doesn't really know how to make a change so wants to be alone. I have had that feeling, although I hope she will be taking some of that time to reflect on what's going on in her head.
If she wants less time with you so but is spending more time with other partners, or all her time keeping busy with anything other than you, that can signal a big problem that she isn't interested in working on herself or your relationship at this time.
I'd probably give it a month her way, to see if a lower "pressure" atmosphere did make improvements in your interactions, but I'd still probably insist on one regularly set hour a week to address any boundary issues or problems that come up (though if they were problems that you thought you needed to address right away because they'd be an issue before the weekly meeting, I'd do that)
With a weekly appointment she might have time to get thoughts together if there is anything she figures out, and vice versa. Less stress if she knows conversations about your sex life, boundaries, problems, etc, aren't going to happen until next week at 6pm. Methods like this are not always successful but it can work for some people.
"suggesting that my need for more time together might be displaced from some other unmet need" Well that would worry the hell out of me. So I'll ask - are you spending a lot less time together than you used to? Are you asking for more time than you spent together 6 months ago? A year?
I want my partners to enjoy the time they spend with me, but if they really only want to see me X/week when they used to see me Y/week, that needs to be addressed honestly and thought about by them instead of being told I must have some "need" to meet. I think it's fair for her to think about this and let you know where you stand so you and aren't asking more than she is interested in giving anymore. That's stressful for both of you. Wanting a loving close relationship with HER certainly can't be met with you getting a new hobby or girlfriend.