well, i just impetuously replied to a post, so i figure i'd better introduce myself. i've been poking around and reading some of the archives over the past few weeks, but i'm sure i've barely scratched the surface.
i'm married with 2 young children (4 and 7 at the moment), an american ex-pat. my husband and i have been together for about 10 years, in what was officially a monogamous relationship.
but unofficially it was non-monogamous for at least a few years and i didn't know about it... until about 6 months ago when i discovered 2 affairs that had gone on over the previous 3 years.
and i freaked out. seriously. like, physically.
and at the same time tried really hard to keep an open mind. found a good, unconventional relationship counselor that we both like and still see. agreed to read a few books about and discuss polyamory and open relationships (sex at dawn, the ethical slut, opening up). agreed to email conversations with and visits with a long-ago and potential-future girlfriend of my husband's. agreed to him communicating with and then going out for drinks with one of the women he cheated on me with (and she and i might talk at some point). it has been A LOT to deal with in the past 6 months!
october was when all those visits happened and felt like the climax of all these intense conversations. my husband was feeling all warm and fuzzy and excited about the possibilities, but i kindof crashed and asked for a pause. i feel like i've had all this adrenalin rushing around for months, with lots of physical and emotional highs and lows and now i need to settle for a while.
it was really a crisis for me to learn that he had been sleeping with other people, lying to me, compartmentalizing. it has really tested our conflict-resolution skills (or lack thereof) and resiliency. i really don't like some of the ways in which i've reacted. so it's been a reality check on many levels. and now i feel like i'm on a spiritual journey of self-discovery. and if we're staying together i want to (re)connect with him deeply--to have the relationship i've always wanted to have with him.
and he's frustrated because he really wants to have sex... lots of sex. with me, in a threesome, and out there on his own. he wants to be concretely working towards the goal of us having a threesome with another woman. and he wants to talk about it being ok for him to be intimate (in whatever way the situation permits) with willing women he encounters on his work travels. oh, and maybe trying out hiring a sex worker or going to sex clubs too. AND at the same time he wants to be developing, intensifying, our own sex life--more often, more playful, fantasizing, etc.
so i'm having a hard time feeling connected, resilient, self-sufficient, giving, sexy, over the course of weeks and months. i feel like i'm still recovering. and because he's feeling frustrated he's having a hard time being patient, understanding. i guess he feels rejected in his own way, and it's hard for me to be sympathetic!
well. that's all the intro i've got time for right now. i'd be pleased as punch to hear from people, especially any advice on healing from cheating and divining if polyamory is "right" for me. and i'd be happy to share more too.