I had conversations with Elika and Jade last night. It could have gone much better. I first told Jade of my potential for having feelings for her, which she seemed okay with. We're not acting on it at the moment, I just wanted her to be aware of the way I felt about her before it had time to become a problem, which she understands.
After this, I told Elika about my feelings for Jade and my desire to experience the poly lifestyle. She freaked right the hell out. She feels hurt that I have these feelings for Jade, I think. That's okay with me. While I would like the opportunity for all three of us to come closer to each other without having to designate "nights" for us, I don't need to be intimate with Jade to love her. Spending time with her and joining her in loving Elika is good enough.
The thing that hurts the most is the fact that she wasn't okay with the idea of me being poly. I spent a lot of time coming to terms with the fact that she wanted to experience this, and even more before I agreed that we should give it a try. When I realized that I not only approve of it, but also want to actively experience it, it felt like a major personal breakthrough. I was proud of myself, and for some reason thought that Elika would feel the same way. Instead she feels betrayed, and I do too. I assumed that this kind of thing was a two way street, which was perhaps foolish of me. Of course she needs time to process this kind of thing, I don't blame her for that. But the thought that she doesn't trust me in the same way that I trust her hurts.
At this point, I don't know what to do. My relationship with Elika has been less and less satisfying recently, and I desperately want to work things out with her. But right now, all of her energy is being devoted to her new relationship. I'm afraid that she's going to go to Jade for comfort and escape from the problems that we have, and in the meantime I will just become more lonely. I hate realizing that the passion that Elika and Cate are experiencing is exactly what has been lost in my relationship with Elika. I hate feeling like I'm trying to let her get what she needs from somebody else, yet I'm not allowed to seek out the things that I need.
Sorry to become yet another depressing story. I thought yesterday that it would have a happy ending.