Thanks everyone who has chimed in so far! Sounding this out has been super helpful.
To clear up a couple of points - she was not so irresponsible as to go bareback. If she had, I would already be out the door. We've all been tested, and are in the clear. When I laid out the rule "safe sex, with all precautions taken, and be suitably paranoid about STIs," I meant "barriers for everything." She took it to be "barriers for everything, except oral sex." She corrected it immediately, if a bit grudgingly. It was funny, actually. She told me that she'd do it, but transmission rates for oral sex were so low as to not be a concern. But we are a scientific household, so she proceeded to search for studies to back the statement up. She returned the next day with a list of evidence that disproved her point, and asked if we could swing by the sex shop to pick up some flavoured prophylactics.
The bdsm sex god is a super nice guy, by the way. Very responsible, and not at all part of the issue. You don't get to be the local bdsm god without having some pretty intense social awareness. The sex in our house thing was some other dude. She said she was not anticipating more than heavy petting and got carried away in the heat of the moment. I still wasn't too pleased by that, and she's been diligent in keeping her interactions with her other partners in my presence romantic but nonsexual.
Incidentally, shortly after I created this thread we had a discussion about what I would like our week to look like. She pointed out that the last week had been pretty good and as far as she was concerned she had met all of my requests, or at least made a good try of it. And she was frustrated that I was still feeling disconnected, suggesting that my need for more time together might be displaced from some other unmet need. If she couldn't meet my needs, she said, why don't I meet it somewhere else - that's the wonderful thing about being poly.
I think that Anneintherain is probably closest to the mark in terms of conjecturing my partner's state of mind. She's not as close to me, doesn't know what she wants, and is frustrated and confused because she doesn't know what to do about it. Of course she doesn't want me to give her orgasms. Further, her partner is in pain, she's receiving requests she can't process a response to, and she's feeling overwhelmed. If what she's doing right now isn't working, and she's so exhausted from doing it, why bother trying any further until she has a clearer idea of what she herself needs in the first place? You can't take care of someone else if your own needs aren't met. As much as I'd love to lay out a more in-depth week plan, I'm uncertain if it will necessarily work right now: her biggest request for me right now has been for more space to be alone in the house.
Perhaps you could do me a favour and pass this through your bullshit detectors - maybe I should sit back, meet my needs independently from her for a bit, see if the effort she is making replaces our prior pattern, and reassess after a month or two. Maybe I'll benefit from building a broader foundation from which to enjoy what she can offer anyways.