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Old 11-15-2011, 10:25 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Location: Seattle-ish
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I think AnnabelMore hits a lot of those points straight on.

My ex and I had an agreement about not having sex out in the living room when the other was home, and he broke this but due to the situation I could see how there was room for misunderstanding that particular time, but it does not seem like there was a misunderstanding in your case, just a refusal to stick to your agreements. I would have a big problem with a partner making agreements with me and breaking them, especially if they weren't aware enough to realize an agreement didn't work for them (hopefully before they broke it, but definitely after they broke it), and wanted to renegotiate. I'd be looking at if there were any "good reasons" in their mind that it was OK to break it, or if they were just being selfish and self centered.

I hope you have stopped having unprotected sex with her until you have both gotten tested. Does she really not seem to understand that condom use would be smart? I can understand dental dams because they aren't use as commonly, but still...Did you not have safe sex agreements in place ahead of time? Have you asked her how she would feel if you transmitted hepatitis or HIV to her because you were nonchalant about protecting yourself and her from viruses? If she didn't adhere to safe sex agreements 100% from now on, I would consider that a deal breaker.

I certainly would speak up if you haven't about her sharing TMI that just encourages your awareness that things are so much more easy sexually for her with other partners. I don't know if she is generally insensitive, or just oblivious to how you are feeling. All these things together do sound a lot like sabotage to me, not that she is necessarily doing it consciously, but that doesn't really make it feel better, does it.

On the not wanting you to bring her to orgasm thing - when I don't feel close to my husband, I don't want him to give me orgasms, and while it takes less connection to be OK being touched genitally, I won't allow myself to be vulnerable enough to receive oral sex when I feel distant. It sounds like you know what would make you feel close and comfortable with her, but not that she has given you help to figure out what she needs to feel close and connected to you, if she even knows. If she can't figure this out and you two work on establishing a relaxed level of intimacy again, I don't see it likely the orgasm situation will be changing anytime soon. (edit - I thought I should add, I feel close and comfortable when we are doing a lot of kissing and making out, he feels close when we spend time playing board games or video games or watch movies together - I don't want to do that stuff when I don't feel close to him (and we aren't being intimate) so it gets into a big catch 22 - not sure if you and her have different ways of getting close, but knowing if there are things you could be doing that would help and just aren't aware of is always good)

I think this is a situation where pulling back from other relationships would be smart, to see if she is willing to work on your situation. Not necessarily a total hiatus, but my personal breakdown of how 'd want to spend my week if I was in your situation
2 nights a week where you could see other partners (at least one night coordinated so all the other stuff can be fit in)
1 night a week for a date for the two of you
1 night for each of you to just relax doing your own thing at home or outside the home with friends (or partners, but non sexual activities)
2 nights where you two relax TOGETHER enjoying each others company, maybe taking turns doing hobbies or watching shows that you can enjoy together, or have new experiences to bond through.
1 night a week where you are actively working on checking in on how the weeks has gone, working on communication skills, reading and discussing a useful self help book, etc.

Ya, I am a big fan of breaking down weeks like that, not necessarily useful for everybody, but I have found it helpful to parcel out time like that when my husband and I need to be working on something. Especially if I look at the calendar and realize we've managed to skip having dates for a couple of weeks, or that our date nights with others keep falling on alternate nights and we aren't actually spending time at home on the same days often enough to connect.

If possible this seems like a good case for counseling, for some outside objectivity that could help her be honest with what's going on, and give you two new ways to communicate instead of being stuck in the cycles you are. It sounds like you might even want to strike ALL your agreements to date as if they didn't exist and start again from scratch with a blank slate, and make sure she is agreeing to things she feels capable and willing to actually do.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 11-15-2011 at 10:37 PM.
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