Um. I assume that the bdsm "sex god" has other partners. And I guess if he barebacked with your gf he barebacks with them too. And she "didn't think" this might be a bad idea? Did she tell you this before you and she next had sex, or did she expose *you* to god-knows-what in addition to herself? At this point alone, unless my partner was showing sincere understanding of their huge mistake I'd be like "Well, that was a fun three years but I guess it's over now..."
And then there's the breaking of boundaries with the sex in the house. She really couldn't have held off? Does she have any explanation for *why* she felt the need to do that?
Your requests seem totally reasonable and appropriate. Her actions and attitudes seem tone deaf and uncaring to the point that it seems like she must be *trying* to sabotage things. I mean what sane person who cared about you would not realize that your sex life was a major sore point and that it might be a good idea to try harder to improve things with you before telling you all about her enthusiastic, kinky, and frequent sex with others? I suppose she could have been confused by your initial compersion but it stil seems... weird.
In light of all that, and the fact that you seem to have put very sincere effort into comunication and there's truly not much more one can possibly do, my recommendation for improving your love life would be for her not to be a part of it any more.
I know that can't be what you want to hear, but if she's not even trying...
Maybe, if you're really not ready to let go, let her read this thread and confront her with the fact that this relationship has become toxic to your self-esteem and that she has to decide whether she values it enough to *really* work on it, without the defensiveness and withdrawal, or whether she doesn't.
Alternately, you could accept that this relationship just doesn't have sex as a major component, enjoy the companionship, and get good sex elsewhere. But I'm not hearing that you'd be happy that way.