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Old 11-15-2011, 08:07 PM
wendybird wendybird is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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ImaginaryIllusion - I think your right about me running some scripts. Actually writing that post was incredibly helpful in terms of sorting out what was bothering me. After I hit post and reread it a few times I had some insights.

Old script: Having a romantic and sexual relationship with your friend's boyfriend is an evil thing to do.

New Script: Just because we are no longer having a triad-ish type relationship, doesn't mean I am doing anything behind Lia's back. All I can do is operate within her boundaries. If I am acting in good faith, I don't need to take responsibility for her every instance of being hurt, insecure or sad.

Second Insight: I've got my nose bent out of shape cause I got dumped! After I realized that, I laughed at myself. Well duh! No wonder I'm a little pissy.

I didn't really have a word for the type of relationship I had with Lia. More than friends, less than lovers... friends with a different kinda benefit...? I think because I didn't have a definition for the relationship, it was hard to define the part that I lost. And I'm really OK with the relationship morphing into something else. But it is a loss. And I believe that it will continue to morph. And that's OK too.

Lastly with the grocery shopping minivan parts of life.... ::sigh:: this is going to be an ongoing struggle. I truly like sharing a home and family life with someone. Beyond scripts and cultural expectations, I really want to live with a partner. If Mac were available on that level, I would want it to be him. But he's not and I don't expect him to be in the future. I think that my feelings when they are engaged in that type of daily life conversation is more akin to envy that jealousy. I don't begrudge them that, just really really wish I had it too.

I am free to pursue other relationships, but being basically a monogamous person, I'm not really that interested. I guess I also would feel... idk... disingenuous?... looking for a monogamous relationship while I was in a poly one. I think I'd have to be pretty much ready to walk down the aisle with someone before I were willing to give up Mac. And I'm not sure even then.

I think I feel trapped in the land of almost perfection. Does that make sense?
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