Thank you dragonfly, for your perspective. We can see the concern about being the 'third wheel' and being left out of the decision making process and feeling like a 'buffer'. All anyone can do when entering into any relationship, being poly or otherwise, is work at every dynamic to make it work. We don't believe any relationship worth having doesn't require some give and take and none of it is gonna just be second nature I am sure. But we feel that for a number of different reasons, this is a good step for us. We hope that there will be someone out there who feels it's a good step for them as well and just see what happens. If it all turns out great then we would take the next step in the committment that would make us a plural marriage. If any one of us should find it is too difficult, too restricting, too demanding, too alienating, or just too uncomfortable, then we would never take that final step and would have to reconsider the relationship.
I think that men and women go into relationships with a completely opposite mind set from one another. Women approach a new relationship with the "he might be the one" mentality whereas a man approaches most romantic involvements with the "she'll do find unti I find the one" mentality. With these different expectations who do you think will get hurt when it ends? Of course the one thinking it's THE ONE from the start. We have no expectations that the first person we meet will be 'the one' and we have no illusions that it will all be perfect from the beginning. We expect to meet, hopefully feel a connection and then ultimately move on with a marital relationship. If we don't feel it, or she does not feel it then it will never go any further. Isn't that how all relationships start?
We appreciate your perspective and once we are involved with this person, will have to make a concerted effort to include just as much input from this other person in our lives. As far as the romantic aspect of the relationship, we would love her as much as we love each other, no matter how long we have been together, otherwise, we wouldn't be doing this at all. We will also make the effort to help this person not feel like a 3rd wheel in a long standing marriage but be an integral part of a working, equal partnership.
I am sorry it all didn't work out for you. It seems your partners should have made more of an effort to accomodate you and offered you the same equality within the relationship they themselves enjoyed. It takes work, sacrifice, honesty and above all, love.