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Old 11-15-2011, 05:03 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275

Thank you for your responses, first of all.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Poly affects everyone differently, and it's common to have a harder time than you think you will at first, and for logical ideas about how things will work to melt away in the face of a complex and emotionally impacting reality. Your experience is a very familiar one here. It can and almost certainly will get better. Being honest about what you're going through is one of the best ways to make sure that it does, combined with doing a lot of hard work, which it's clear you've already begun.

Your husband needs to realize all of this, and to understand that you are you giving all three of you -- him, yourself, and the girlfriend -- a huge and difficult gift by actively processing what you're going through and asking for what you need. After all, just imagine the blow-up and the fallout if you'd just sat on all of this until you couldn't take it any more and felt like the only solution was for one of the relationships to end. All too often that's just what people do, sadly.
Definitely. I keep making it a point to remind my husband that though he sees poly as simple, and I logically see it as that too, my emotional response says otherwise. That means it's crucial I begin my own research and share with him as well.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
If you need to break down a little that's ok, and if it makes him uncomfortable to see that, well, too bad! As long as you're truly working on your feelings it's his job to toughen up and be there for you through it. You crying does *not* mean his relationship with her has to end, hopefully he can get over his guilt about that.

He also needs to understand that this -- "he assumed that all we talked about in theory would fall into place once put into practice" -- is never, ever a good idea in poly. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
Earlier today maybe 1.5 hours after I made the thread we began to argue because I was still feeling shaky, and I got enraged enough to close my laptop and storm out of the room to go outside. I bawled, snotty nose and all, in the backyard for maybe twenty minutes. So much rage, feeling misunderstood and shut out, so many things crashing into one another. So the little drizzle that occurred before turned into a storm.

I have invited him to join the forum and he has, so our understanding of each other and this shift in our relationship receives more attention from more than just me.

He told me he made the assumption based on my personality, not anything else. He assumed that my ambivalence towards other things meant I would be ambivalent towards this as well. Wrong. Dead wrong. And I let him know that too; my personality doesn't mean I'm not a human being with fluid emotion at my core.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Personally, for the record, even though my girlfriend is completely free to take another lover or partner if she wants, I'd be freaked the fuck out if she suddenly started referring to some random dude as her boyfriend, so I think your feelings are completely reasonable.

It might make sense for him to be talking to you at every new juncture. Like, before any new step in the relationship with the girlfriend he could be checking in with you first. That may seem like it'd end up with him feeling micromanaged and you feeling overwhelmed, but it could be worth a try for at least a little while as you learn what is easy for you versus what is hard... and it'll give you a chance to process before you're confronted with something new. Now what I'm describing is possibly easier said then done, but I think it's worth considering as an alternative to how things have gone thus far.
I explained that he needed to verbalize that she was his girlfriend to me, not just say, "Well, that's that. Everybody else is cut off." That in and of itself means nothing to me as a declarative statement. Stating that you would like for her to be, and she has agreed to be your girlfriend, does.

I did mention that as of right now I need to be made aware of new steps. He agreed. So I'm happy about that.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Btw, if you're not comfortable with him sharing explicit videos with women he doesnt know well it doesn't matter that it's already happened, you can ask him not to do it again. That is a perfectly reasonable request and another example of something that he *really* should have talked to you about first.

I guess it seems like I am being pretty hard on him? I'm sure he means well and is a great guy. This is just a matter of him learning that poly does not mean you get to do whatever you want... quite the opposite, especially at the beginning actually -- "go at the pace of the one who is struggling the most" as RedPepper and others here like to say.
Agreed agreed agreed. He assumed that because he doesn't care if I share pictures and videos with other people (men or women) that I felt the same way. There goes that ass-play again, lol. And don't worry, you're not being hard on him. That's why I'm here, to have things realized, and to get more than just our minds going.

Originally Posted by ray View Post
Hi Arrow,

Sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time. This forum definitely has lots of great information and stories to draw from.

Had you considered polyamory before your husband or is this your first go around dealing with your partner having a more long term relationship? Like you said, he's done a lot of legwork so hopefully he can extend you some more patience and kindness so that you can do your legwork. How is the relationship between you and her? Are you close at all? Poly can be very very stressful and bring up a tornado of emotions. Certainly, it can be very rewarding if you manage to work through some of the stuff but it does take time. So, don't feel down on yourself for not immediately being totally ok with everything. Sometimes a therapist can help to sort through this kind of stuff.
Thanks, Ray. I've been browsing and reading and nodding and I can't help but agree that the best thing I could have done was come here, to learn.

I didn't consider polyamory before my husband; I knew nothing about it besides it existing. This is my first go around. I've asked him for more patience and kindness, and space to process.

The relationship between me and her at this point is a mutual respect. I respect what they have, and she does the same for me. We haven't spoken yet, and I'm wondering if during this time would be good to start. I do plan to speak to a therapist eventually. Right now it's just not feasible, but it is definitely in the works.

Originally Posted by ray View Post
He's also in the throes of NRE most likely and that can be challenging for anyone to deal with. Why were he and his SO trying to 'shake' things up on social networking? Like activism or something? I can see how that might feel a bit hurtful even if they didn't mean in that way. Do the three of you go out in public ever? Maybe the three of you could go out and all hold hands or something, a way to shock and awe but one that includes you as well. These things you're describing sound like a lot of people's struggles with poly so don't feel alone or abnormal . You sound like you're working very hard to give him what he needs and wants in this.
I read briefly about NRE in the first few threads when I registered and I let him know about it. He says they were trying to shake things up because people are already so put-off by his matter-of-fact approach and openness about his poly nature, and they just wanted to add to it. Their intentions were not to hurt me but they have agreed to stop when I asked them to.

Neither of us have met her face to face. This is all happening online.

And thanks again, I no longer feel as alone as I did before. I just remind myself that as bad as I might feel sometimes, or he might feel, it is still with love that we are going through this together.
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