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Old 11-15-2011, 02:02 AM
mennodaughter mennodaughter is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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I'm brand new to this, so I don't have a lot of great insight. However, I'm probably about as far down the path of poly as you and I can tell you that I really don't like the approach your husband is taking to this.

In our situation, we did not set up to deliberatelly be poly. It happened, born of a friendship that continued to grow. I fell in love and compartmentalized what my heart was doing, to honor and preserve my marriage. We've been open sexually for years, but one of our hard and fast rules was no emotional ties--just sex. I was shocked both to learn I could fall in love with a woman and that I could violate my boundary....and it feel right to do.

After we fell in love, I approached my husband about opening the marriage to her, at least to a degree. Even then, I felt I could not handle if *they* fell in love. It was fine for me to love both of them, but if they loved each other, we somehow could not all be okay. Until I realized that not only did I love both of them, but loving each of them has made me realize I love my husband even more for allowing me to explore this and express this.

They were both keeping a firm wall between the two of them. They both loved me. However, I have been very careful to be 100% honest and fully transparent with husband, T, through all of this. Even as I have fallen in love with C, my primary focus is STILL him. If this doesn't work for him, this doesn't work. Never once have I sought to hurt him in this. That doesn't feel right to me. If I'm hurting someone I love, then I'm doing something VERY wrong.

In fact, it was because I realized the potential to hurt both of them that I approached both of them about turning what has accidentally become a hinge into a triangle. While they have each carefully guarded their own hearts out of love for me, I can see both of their hearts. What I saw was love, that niether of them was willing to express to the other if it meant hurting ME. I don't want them incomplete and unwhole, no more than they want me that way. I want all of us to have our entire hearts together. I want them free to love each other, and I want to grow strong enough and brave enough to know they still both love me.

Even so, when they first expressed their love of each other, I feel apart. Rage wasn't the right word, devestation was. This was my idea and I was terrified. Just as I held each of them when they were afraid that sharing me would hurt them too much, they both held me through that.

I didn't set out to be poly. I didn't think I was poly. It happened because the love couldn't be contained. I've come far enough to tell you that it cannot be forced, and if someone is scared and afraid of the process, then the solution is NOT to tease them, push them, demean them or in any way to downplay their feelings. When one of us is struggling emotionally, the others approach that need with open communication and love. Love thus far has guided us through this strange path. Each of us wants only the best for the others. When we see one hurting, the others stop to hold that one through their pain. They don't demand that one figure it out and catch up. That's what existed when my marriage was a two-some and that seems to be the only way this can exist as a three-some...at least for me.

If your intention was to have a triad, I don't see effort from your husband to create that. To me, it sounds like your husband wants to be poly, holding you as something different on the side. And I just don't hear a lot of love guiding what is happening but a lot of distrust and actions that need adjust. I don't know enough to know if you can navigate this. It sounds to me like you are not okay with this and feel pressured to conform, but maybe not. I'm certainly no expert. I've so new at this I'm still shaking in my boots. However, I've been following a path that seems right, that honors the people I love and makes sure they are protected at all times and costs. I can't imagine that this works without that. I just can't.
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