Originally Posted by whyimhere
married male w/wife and 2 children. she than explained to me that she is a poly. i trusted her enough to let her be known to my wife and children. only one thing is i/we havent told wife about intimicies and her poly life. i am still trying to understand the meaning of poly to thats where im confused. i know there is no set rules or really no set guides. im reaching out for others to help. thank you
Hey, Im just going to say whats on my mind because, I promise you, I have been in this situation before. I waffled for a great long time because I was afraid & I was ashamed and I was confused. It felt so great when I made the choice to talk about it. It worked out for me & now I am so happy & free in my life. I walked out of all the murky water & into the sunshine. My partner has since then over time forgiven me, and decided to embrace polyamory relationship styles with me. We are both content.
Everybody has brought up good points. Especially nre, ethics, how the 'poly ideal' may resonate with you, and 'mistress telling your wife' sounds like a no-no.
Thought I could just repeat some & clarify some things, perhaps, it seems like you are very confused & need time to figure things out yourself. I understand that. Reading the initial post, there are several things that struck me as possible misconceptions, perhaps things you have yet to straighten out...
1. There are many forms of Non-monogamy.
Cheating is one of those.
(ie: what you are doing)
2. Polyamory does not excuse agreements already made or agreements already in place. It can be a style in which to discuss making new agreements...
It is not: "oh I can do whatever I want and not be responsible for my actions too under the facade of a label! "
It is not: "ohh you are 'polyamorous' or 'pretty' or 'polka dotted', so thAt is why you can just walk in, troll-lol-olo-loll all over my relationships, and walk out like a boss"...
It is: "I take responsibility for the relationships I create, and I love those people I am involved with."
(ie: What do you want? ethical polyamory?) I recommend it
3. It's your responsibility
to be ethical to your loved ones, always
. Including your wife & children... It's up to you.
4. Keeping your girlfriend a 'secret toy' from your loved ones will make your girlfriend feel like you are ashamed of her. & A host of other problems such as guilt. ect
5. 'New Relationship Energy' may be the excuse you need to try and explain this lapse of consiousness to your wife. Maybe If you take your time & really truly listen to wife & what her needs are, you two can work things out. Find 'needs vs wants' & where the flexibility is.
6. Try not to change add, subtract, multiply, divide, relationships until everyone
romantically involved is aware, it's polite
+ smart. Whats the rush?
7. There are no specific
rules or set guides in polyamory...this is because it is your responsibility
to create a situation that will work for you & your loved ones & to constantly maintain that communication that relationships require to make sure you & your partners are happy.
7. I may go so far as to say that this woman you are with may claim to be 'poly' but she seems rather confused herself. She explained that she is poly After having sex?? Did you two talk at all? I mean, thats not poly, that's horny...
You are also not a baby, you can speak for yourself..
8. ...Which is okay, people make mistakes we are not perfect & not always thinking rationally when sexually frustrated, however, that does not give this woman the right to create a guilt laden situation. You need to take control of your
relationship/s & your
situation for yourself.
9. If you are already doing what you want to do, then do it by all means
You both should do more research in my opinion...
Best wishes to you