Dealing With A Partner Projecting Feelings Of Jealousy/Envy
wow, so nice to have found this forum... i dont really know what im looking for on here, i guess i figure it will just be so nice to have people to tell all these things to who are totally just objective, don't know me or my partner(s)
So my primary partner and i have been struggling lately with our relationship in general, it feels almost like we are barely hanging on. We`ve been together now for a year and 10 months, but things have taken a turn for the worst. We`ve been trying to get through it but its been really rough.
Anyways, there`s those issues, then there`s us being non-monog/open. Last night i hooked up with a girl who i've felt very attracted to for a while. It was so much fun and we both hit it off really well and had such great sexual chemistry. I was excited about this because even though i have been sleeping with lots of different people it hasnt felt super sexually charged like this hook up did.
My primary came over in the evening and we were cuddling watching a tv show. After it was over i told her that i hooked up with this person. I didnt think it would be a big issue at all since normally dealing with random(ish) hookups isnt really that big of a challenge for us. She totally freaked out though. She cried so much and told me how its so easy for me to find people to fuck, i can pretty much have sex with whoever i want, how she feels that she has such a hard time and sleeps with a third of the amount of people i sleep with etc. Lots of feelings of hurt and envy turned mean being projected onto me.
I knew that this wasn't a good time to be getting mad about her attacks at me, that she really needed to vent and say these things right now, so i just listened and it was really hard not to defend myself, but i didnt. I tried to sit and understand all the feelings she was having and figure out what the actual issue was... lots of telling myself not to take the things she was saying personally, just in one ear out the other and keep the important emotions she is sharing.
Mostly what it comes down to is that i find it fairly easy to pick people up, flirt and just am in general a more confident easy going person, and it helps that i am not afraid of being rejected so i tend to be way more forth-coming with the ways i ask for things or hit on people. Mostly i just hang out with people and talk and if i feel like we are getting along and have some sort of connection and i find them attractive i dont find it hard to ask if they want to kiss/make-out etc. She finds this really hard and i think comes across to a lot of people as being grumpy or uptight, when in reality its just that she is sort of awkward and a little shy at first.
She felt hurt and after she was finished saying everything she was thinking she left my house and went back to hers and wrote me an email. Its hard for me because i know that this actually has very little to do with me and who im sleeping with and everything to do with her and how she feels a huge lack of confidence in herself and her self image is obviously very terrible right now. I try to encourage her to go out and hit on as many people as she wants to, and i get so excited about her seeing other people/sleeping with them etc but it doesnt seem to help that much and maybe even might just make her feel shittier.
I dont know what to do other than to tell her i love her, support her and listen to her though all her insecurities, but i can't do a whole lot else and that feels really crappy.
How can help her feel more included in the queer scene here, she doesnt belive me when i tell her people think shes a total babe and want to hit on her. ugh. Also i dont know how to not change what im doing but at the same time have that feel less shitty for her.
I dunno, anyone got any suggestions or experience in dealing with this?
Pretty much anything would be helpful!!