So, I think its time for me to step out of the shadows. I wanted to wait just a few more days actually before I did my update. My fiance and my friend and I are supposed to be meeting on saturday. Anyways, quick update, we are all taking baby steps towards a poly relationship.
I just had to comment on this because we went through something similar yesterday and I need to say my side of it. So my fiance springs the fact that he cannot accept that I love another man on me yesterday. He says that he can't accept it, but he wants me to be me. The thing about that is I love him dearly and I brought this into our home. I understand that in life and love sacrifices (if you want to keep that life and love) must be made when compromise cannot happen. My friend also understand how much my fiance means to me and said that if it ever comes to on or the other to choose my fiance. That he would make it and easy choice by cutting me off if need be.
So here we are at a point where no compromise can be made and my fiance hits me with the ultimatum. Him or Us. I should also mention that my fiance did not want my friend knowing about this conversation. So yes... Ultimatum. I choose my fiance because I love him and need him, because I know that my friend will always be a part of my life in some way, and because that's what my friend wants me to do. This happened while I was at work. my fiance dropped me to my knees and ripped out my heart and all at the same time telling me how much he loves me and is so grateful I chose him. I wasn't angry at him. I understood, but I'm trying not to cry at work... failing miserably. Trying to make everything seem okay to my friend because I didn't know how to break his heart and I sure as hell wasn't about to do it while he was at work. I felt like a part of me was slowly dying inside.
So my fiance takes it back when he realizes how much he has hurt me. He said that he thought he would feel better knowing that I chose him and only him, but it didn't. It hurt me, he hurt himself by hurting me, and all around it just wasn't what he expected to get out of it. I didn't make it all go away. I didn't give him the security he thought he would get... because nothing he can ever do will change the fact that I love my friend. Its something that is mine that he can't touch and it drives him crazy.
So about 30 minutes after he says our meetup is still on.... he goes back to feeding into his doubts. and at that point I get pissed.
My friend "isn't up to our afternoon talk" and all in all I feel like my feeling are not important to anyone and my abandonment issues from my childhood rear their ugly heads and start biting everyone in the ass. Im hurt and raw and exposed and everyone walked away as I lay in the detruction and the onlything that ran through my head was what the fuck just happened.
So I said and I quote "If I hear one more whaa whaa out of someone I am going to snap. And everyone and their emotions can kiss my ass till the morning." I needed time to lick my wounds and I still am not done. I'm taking todday to heal myself and reflect on my own issues because I feel like a piece of used toilet paper.
I say what happened yesterday not to hijack the thread, but to show what I went through before I start making my points because I think everyone needs to hear the poly person's side of this.
So my points are this, ultimatums are rash, and selfish and destructive to everyone involved. You run the risk of losing everything when you give one out. You make get what you wanted, but then you have to deal with the fact that you hurt the person you love and it could change your relationship forever. It can result in a lot of resentment towards you and you probably won't want to own the damage you have caused which will eventually destroy all trust.
Secondly, just because I am poly doesn't mean that I don't have rights as a human being. It doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I can't always be the strong one. I still need to be care for when I am having weak moments. I need to trust that the ones I care for will be there for me when I need them to. I need to know that if I am having a breakdown that my loves can put a pause on their emotions to take care of mine. Basically, I need to know I recieve what I give.
Another thing, You chose me. For better or worse. Well right now its worse and all I ask is that we see it to the otherside. we work on the issue at hand don't pile more wood on the fire. Don't add more hurt because you are hurting. fuck Poly. Its not about poly. You... the person I love should have enough respect for me to not be passive aggressive. to try to hurt me because you are hurting. no matter what the issue is. U wrongs do not make a right. When the going gets tough and you leave how can I trust you ever again? Me being who I am is not meant to hurt you. Im not doing it on purpose, but you intentionally trying to hurt me because you are hurting is vindictive and unacceptable.
Another point, I know that there will be a roller coaster of emotions. I know that it is my responsibility to ride that ride with you. To hold your hand and reassure you that its okay to feel the way you feel. But the ultimatum roller coaster is unfair and wrong. It ignores the issues and is a cowardly way out of the problem. and it doesn't work... because you might be able to stop my actions and wrap me up in a pretty bow and tie me to it.... but inside.... I still love him and nothing you do will ever change it and you know it.
So yeah, that's all I got for now. if its full of typos im sorry. Im writing this from my phone.
Also, I think I should mention an article that think is great. its on xeromag.com Jealousy and the broken refrigerator.
I hope no one is offended by my rant... I'm still licking my wounds at the moment.
Oh and as for the outcome. we are all talking about what happened and why... and the biggest issue is the fear of the unknown... and that's part of life. We are going to get through this. I have faith in our love... But if we don't I want to atleast be able to say that we didn't the best we could to make it work. I don't want to look back and see people intentionally destroying it because of fear and uncontrolled emotions.