Originally Posted by Nighthorse
Asking if she's interested in a romantic relationship is not the same as an emotional affair. What if she says no? No use asking your boyfriend for an open relationship (if that is what you're after) without finding out if this woman you're in love with likes you that way too.
I get what you're saying here, but I feel like it's more fair and smart to talk to your existing partner before talking to a new potential partner.
Think about it from his point of view. Finding out his wife has strong emotions for another person may come as a bit of a shock. He may be cool with it, or even excited, but he also may have some tough emotions to work through before he can accept it.
Now, what's going to be easier to hear for someone in his position? "Honey, I've realized I have strong feelings for my bff and wanted to talk to you about it before even considering making a move" or "Honey, I have strong feelings for my bff and I confessed then to her and she revealed that she's madly in love with me too and we held hands across the table and stared deeply into each other's eyes and discussed plans for our future life together... assuming you're cool with it" (note that the flowerier stuff in that latter scenario might be just in his head)?
My point is that if he does end up struggling with this, knowing that the bff knew before he knew may make him feel conspired against, or like it's too late to turn back now no matter what he wants. Secondaries absolutely have rights and feelings too, but since she's not even a secondary yet, just a friend, Mr. Primary should come first, for the sake of his ability to cope if nothing else.