Thread: Why I'm here
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Old 11-03-2009, 05:59 PM
polymusing polymusing is offline
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England
Posts: 18
Default Why I'm here

Hi. I've poked around these forums a bit, but so far haven't come across anything that really relates to my situation. Am hoping for some help navigating this new territory. Plus, I don't know anyone in my life (other than those involved) to discuss any of this with. I know that talking with others helps me understand myself better. So that's why I'm here.

I've been married a long time (almost 30 years), have 3 kids (two are now adults, the other is in last years of high school), and my husband and I have a wonderful relationship. We have had some rocky times in the past. But the past few years have been really good. I'm familiar with the idea of polyamory from way back, but just as a concept. Now find myself facing it in fact.

A man that I've known longer than my husband (and loved) is now back in my life, and we love each other (we've figured out that much). My husband is aware of my feelings for this man. But he tends to be somewhat closed with expressing his feelings and thoughts and due to our history (way too long to go into here right now), it's hard for us to get to a place of ease talking to each other. The man (I'm going to have to think of something to call him) is just figuring all this out too.

We don't want to have an old-fashioned "affair." I have no desire to leave my husband for this man (one of my husband's fears). Right now he is allowing us to see each other (there has been no sex). But I'm having a very hard time bringing myself to talk to my husband about all this because I am very afraid that he'll realize he cannot share me. And then I would have to stop seeing my other love. I want to be open and honest, but the fear of losing what I already have (a wonderful marriage) in order to maybe realize something more - when that something more is not ... socially accepted (in most circles) - well, it's keeping me quiet.

I don't know how to navigate this. I don't want anyone to get hurt. I want my husband to understand that my love of this man does not mean I love him any less. I'm not proposing we all move in together as a big ole happy family (jobs preclude that). This man is also married but is separated from his wife as they navigate their own poly explorations. It's all very complicated and I'm sure I've not been very clear.

As I post more I hope to be able to form my thoughts better.
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