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Old 11-13-2011, 11:50 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,025

I am very sorry if you feel our comments here have sounded condescending. Perhaps you thought unicorn hunters would be more numerous here on this board. Perhaps you thought a couple "adding" another individual to share was a common thing in the polyamory world, and you'd be surrounded by successful triads and Vs living in poly-fi married sorts of ways.

Now instead you've found lots of people who had been former unicorn hunters or unicorns, where things have gone badly and people have been extremely burnt and learned to love polyamorously in different sorts of configurations.

I'm sure we don't mean to condescend. Instead, we are taking your ideal scenario and saying, all well and good, but here is where things can go wrong. Practical, down to earth advice, based on experience. Now you feel like we are bursting your bubble and it hurts.

Since I am a lactation specialist, let me propose a metaphor. Say a pregnant mother comes to one of our support group meetings expecting breastfeeding and parenting to be a bed of roses. She will sit in her white wicker rocking chair in the nursery, nursing her baby while wearing her prettiest floral button down the front nightgown. When the baby nurses blissfully to sleep, she will gently lay it down in its perfectly apportioned crib, leave the room, waft off to the master bedroom, have satisfying sex with her husband, and get a nice 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

But the more experienced moms say, Oh, but there will be days where the baby is teething, he hasn't slept in 18 hours, cries when you put him down, bites your nipple when you try to nurse. You haven't had a shower in 3 days, you've been living in sweatpants and a tshirt covered in spitup, can't remember when you've slept more than 2 hours at a stretch, and sex is a distant dream of long long ago.

Will this mother get angry at her ideal scenario being shot down, leave the meeting in a huff and never come back? Or will she take in that while she can hope for the best (ideal dream), she better plan for the worst (likely reality)?
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving Pixie (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom for 3+ years
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