RP, you're explaining the "fight" was right on! We all have to fight together to make this lifestyle work for all. I know we have done our share, as you are well aware.
It now certainly appears that ND has other issues which need addressing. (which we all do at times), but my overiding concern in this whole mess is....."how can one enter into the poly life, without expecting ourselves or our spouse to fall in love with someone else?" Isn't that what polyamory is about? More loves? How can that be "out of bounds?"