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Old 11-12-2011, 08:37 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 610
Default Cuddling and mothers and children

Finally weekend. I was really looking forwards to this one, because my motivation for university and such is low at the moment. And I missed Sward a bit, he was so occupied with work, doing things for friends, neighbours and who knows whom that he was too exhausted to stay awake in the evening when he was finally home.

He was really unsatisfied with the situation as well and wanted to make Friday night a film night for the two of us. Going to the bedroom early, watching a film, talk and have some private time. But on Friday, he was more tired than ever. It has gotten cold outside and he is out in the fresh air all day. When he comes home in the evening, to our warm flat, an hour after he arrived home it's dark outside, he just feels sleepy. I made hotpot yesterday evening and noticed that he got quite grumpy after dinner. After some time on the couch he suddenly got up (after I repeated asked him if he wanted to go to the bedroom and watch something) and announced: “I am going to bed.” Lin and I looked baffled at each other. When I went after him, he explained that he was really unsatisfied with his weariness and fatigue and that he knew that if we started to watch a film, he would have been asleep within minutes. That the soup had doubled the effect and that he couldn't cuddle with me the next morning because he wanted to get going early to get some things done. But he wanted a nice evening with me and so on …

Well there was nothing to be done about it, if he was too tired to keep his eyes open. So I suggested to swap nights, that I stay with Lin for Friday and that we will get our night today. Spoke to him, spoke to Lin, all are happy

Another short anecdote that happened yesterday: I was surfing the net and found a thread about a wife (37) who suspected her husband (42) to have an affair with her mother (61). All three under one roof and financially entwined with the installment for the house and such. Really creepy story, the mother seems to try to steal the life of her daughter and lived entirely through her child. When my mother knocked to talk to me about the carpet that she wanted to lay in the hallway (because of the noise of the wooden staircase) I told her how unbelievable this story seems to be. She felt my indignation and replied jokingly: “Indeed, the world can be a strange place. Unbelievable! But, there are so many things. If Sward would be at work overtime and you and Lin would start an affair, unbelievable!” She didn't wait for my reaction and was half out the door at that moment, not implying anything.

But I was kind of shocked foremost. After a moment I talked to Lin about her comment and how firmly she seems to believe that there would never even be a possibility of something like that happening. Lin said that he just doesn't evoke such thoughts within her. He isn't seen as a 'threat' at all. Combined with her morals or the way she pictures me (I don't know which is more relevant in this), I doubt that she will second guess the situation on her own. I am predicting that this will leave her speechless and flabbergasted. But well, let's take a step at a time and see when this will be a topic we need to talk about.

Sward and Lin talked about children during the week. And Lin has come around to consider this possibility to happen within a year's time. And he naturally had some thoughts on the topic. He himself noticed that he will have some problems now and then. E.g. what if Sward's child would attach him/herself more to Lin than to Sward? Falling down, getting up, running to Lin screaming because of some pain. Lin said he would feel hurt if this would happen with 'his' child. That's where I skipped in and added for consideration that this would imply a 'my child, your child' attitude. That I would imagine a situation like this to not come to life just because both would look at the children as 'our'.

And that I think it would be really unfair to have such possessive expectations towards a child which the little one would surely try to match to please the parent holding them. Without knowing why it was wrong that he/she acted on his/her feelings and made the parent sad. Another issue of Lin is that he feels a little sting that Sward will be 'the first' to become a father. He himself noted that this and most of his other fears are purely ego-driven and that he knows that if Sward and I wouldn't be so into the topic, he wouldn't have considered having children within the next 3 or 4 years. But it was great that he spoke his mind and that he already thinks about all this stuff when it's still quite a bit down the road.

It wasn't a heavy discussion. All of us know that this will be a giant step to take and that we will have to grow with the situation as soon as it is present. Even though I spoke of the negative sides now, they are really positive when the topic in on the table and both seem to look forward to such an extension of our family. I think it is good that they are juggling with the possibilities and expectations they have. I see a lot of work coming our way in the future, but I am a bit excited and looking forward to be in the position to actually do it then
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Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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Last edited by Phy; 11-12-2011 at 08:42 AM.
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