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Old 11-03-2009, 09:45 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Vegas, Baby!
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Wow - a lot can change in a few hours.

We are stil hurting. Things are not perfect. But they are better.

I have been struggling all day with feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, failure - all kind of things. It's been killing me because I am literally the most self-aware and objective person I know or that 2 therapists I was dragged into seeing over the years say they've ever seen. No joke - one of them said I should be helping him with other clients instead of seeking treatment. It's a huge deal for me, and I have spent years at it.

And somehow this thing with Anne tore it all down in 48 hours. There have been slips before; tears in the fabric. But nothing has brought the ceiling in to this degree.

Sparing you all the actuals of the conversation, I had a breakthrough while talking to Violet an hour or two ago. I was able to see Anne's POV from a whole different perspective - one that I'm embarrassed to acknowledge I had missed before, because it's ne I frequently direct others to see, one that I usually filter everything through before anything else. In my anger and hurt I had missed it, and not realized that I had missed it.

I put her actions and stated feelings through the most basic filter I have - the hypocrisy according to my own life actions and experiences filter. And in literally minutes, 90% of my anger and resentment for Anne melted away, along with most of my insecurity, fear, and feelings of inadequacy. I am still hurt, but it's a passing thing, and I find it is a very simple thing indeed to forgive her.

And almost instantly, that allowed me to get my mind and heart back on track, and to start fixing Violet and I, which also became far less daunting.

I hope I can convince Anne to give me a few minutes soon, as I would like to share this with her, nd let her know that she is forgiven, and that whatever she may do from here on out, I will be her friend and one who accepts and loves her. And this will come in handy, becuase the jerk she ditched us for will screw her over in short order, lol. I don't think that we'll want her back in a relationship way, but I can certainly still care for her and be the friend she needs. I think Violet is for the most part right there with me (although she has a little catty female spitefulness remaining, lol).

It feels so good to let all that negativity go. Maybe I will be ale to share in more detail the process and specifics so that others can take them or leave them as they see fit, but this is already long enough and am very, very tired right now. And I can't go to bed, because I need to try to help NightDragon, he needs people worse than anyone right now.