It's true that it's not always necessary or even good to overthink things. My reasoning is like this, though. Let's say F gets a cool job offer across the country. His thought process *could* potentially go something like this --
"This looks great, but it would mean Rift and I would be in an LDR, which would be hard. We might grow further apart or even break up. But, well... I may take this relationship seriously, and it often seems like she does too, but I need to be realistic. She has a husband and *he* comes first, not me. He's the one she's ultimately going to build her life around, not me. So, as much as I wish it were otherwise, I need to recognize the situation for what it is. It's not healthy for me to treat her like a life partner with whom I'm really building something that could last our whole lives when she already has that person and it's not me. So... I guess I'll go ahead and take the job."
Whereas if he knew you think about him on the same level as your husband... it *could* radically alter his thinking and priorities. Maybe he'd re-double his efforts to look for a local job instead of taking the one far away. Just a random example of how definitions can change things.
Now, his thinking may be nothing at all like that. But as someone dating a married woman myself, I know I would factor things differently if I knew I was considered as important a partner to her as her husband.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Last edited by AnnabelMore; 11-11-2011 at 02:20 AM.