Originally Posted by tdn
... I could see myself becoming exclusive with her. But she doesn't do exclusive. She's known for a long time that she's born to be poly.
I guess that fits with my life right now, because right now I just want to date a lot of women without getting serious with any of them.
Serious and exclusive are not the same things. Casual and non-exclusive are not the same things, either. My point is that poly doesn't mean necessarily that all her relationships are casual. She may indeed want something serious and committed -- she just doesn't see the need for limiting that to only one relationship.
In a few sentences you say you could be exclusive with her, then you say you just want to date lots of women without getting serious. After just one date, it could be too early to commit to exclusivity anyway, but you know another option is that you can be exclusive with her, even if she is not exclusive with you. It's known as a poly/mono arrangement and works for some people. Just thought I'd toss that idea out there to totally mess with your head.
So.. about "don't ask, don't tell" ...
There is no "usual" way - people make whatever arrangements and agreements they are comfortable with. Lots of married poly peeps do like to have their OSOs meet their SOs, but it's not a requirement for everyone. You don't have to meet anyone else she's seeing, but you certainly should inquire about her safer sex practices. DADT is fine if you agree to it. The thing is to come to a consensus that makes sense to both of you. It sounds like she's not married anymore, so at least she doesn't have to intro you to a husband.
You can certainly tell her you're not comfortable meeting her other lovers now, but as you get to know each other better you might consider it.
But you've only had one date - it's a little early to be freaking out. Why not go out with her one or two more times and figure out if she's actually someone you want to continue seeing, before making rules? Did she tell you anything about the other people she dates, like how many there are?
If you do have a relationship with her, then her other partners would be called your metamours. If you want to learn about metamours, do a search here for that word and read up!