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Old 11-03-2009, 05:39 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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My husband and Mono think I should clarify what "fight" means.

It means to me that you should be standing TOGETHER on this, not AGAINST one another. The issue is "separate" from both of you, not a part of you. The emotions you both feel are not "you," but part of "the issue." You know that you are good together because you married each other and have built a life together. You haven't always been walking around with these emotions. They don't reveal something fundamentally wrong with your relationship, they are aside from that.

Yes she needs to make some choices, but to do that it would be more helpful and to your benefit if you gave her and him space to think and come to the right decision for what is best for everyone. Hopefully thinking of the higher needs here, "what do I need?" and "is there a way I can fulfill those needs while others can fulfill theirs also?" "How can this situation benefit everyone?" "what boundaries and rules do we need to do that?"

Do you understand why this bothers you so much? It could be it has nothing to do with your wife being in love with someone else..... thinking about the core (as I said before) of the situation would be helpful. Not bandaging the thing with demanding she decide.

Okay, I will be more specific, did you have a picture in your mind of the boundaries you had, has this fallen outside of that? Did you talk about boundaries? Did she agree not to fall in love? Was it even discussed that she might? Did you discuss what to do about her falling in love ahead of time? Was there room for change and fluidity with these boundaries? What are the underlying feelings that make you want her to chose and why do you feel that way?
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