So a huge part of whatís helped me is being able to come here and see others going through the same feelings Iím experiencing. Itís helped me realize that Iím not (totally) crazy and that itís normal in what is definitely not a normal time of my life. So hereís all of the feelings that I was feeling over the past couple of weeks though I know Iím missing some:
Anger - Why is she putting me through this? Why is she not interested in seducing me but she is inteterested in seducing someone else.?
Resentment - I deserve better than this. I never asked/agreed to this.
Sadness - Sheís falling out of love with me. All I have to look forward to is a loveless/sexless marriage.
Despair - Everythingís over or coming to an end. I just give up. Thereís nothing I can do about this.
Fear - Sheís obviously hiding stuff from me. How could we get to this point without me knowing more? Will she leave me after this new guy?
Jealousy - Obviously this other guy has something I donít have. Why am I not enough? Why should he get the exciting, seducing woman that I so desperately want but never see anymore?
Obviously a lot of those things I was feeling overlapped quite a bit. And thereís definitely a recurring theme. Some I felt more than others and it often was a swirling chaos where one would feed the other.
During the past couple of weeks Iíve also been all over the map emotionally. Iíve had good days where I managed to not think about things and actually feel normal. Iíve also had some of the worst days/nights of my life where I felt like I wanted to curl up in a ball, puke, cry uncontrollably, stare at the ceiling, get drunk and run away to never be heard from again. Though not necessarily in that order. And Iíve had a hard time sleeping and staying asleep. I often wake up and then my brain kicks in and wonít shut up. (Iím actually writing this now after being awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night)
Did I mention I hate roller coasters? Iím afraid of heights and thanks to my momís genes I get severely nauseous from any kind of spinning. And it turns out emotional roller coasters arenít any kinder to me. Maybe thatís why Iím so mellow/detached in life? But thatís probably for a whole other discussion.
But for anyone else reading this that can identify with these (and I donít presume that I own the copyright on any of those feelings) know that youíre not alone and itís ok to feel them. But you have to learn to deal with them rather than continuously rehash them and feel sorry for yourself.
The main breakthrough I made in this was learning to analyze my feelings. What exactly am I feeling? Why? Am I sure? Is that feeling relevant to the problem? How can I fix it? By trying to understand what and why I was feelilng I felt I could come to terms with each feeling rather than continue to dwell on it. So step by step I started working my way through my laundry list of feelings.
One thing I started doing early on in our conversations was Iíd use my smart phone during the day to create a note of things I wanted to talk about. This was important since my feelings were all over the place and it was hard for me to keep track of them all. During some of our talks B would actually just take my phone and start reading through it herself and then weíd talk. This then gave me the idea that I should actually just send her an email with me feelings and questions so that she could sort them out on her own time without me there staring her down waiting for an answer. This worked out pretty well, though we had to have some conversations when I got home since there always seemed to be some misunderstanding in some sentence that the other person wrote. But one more thing that seemed to work for us and that Iíd recommend for being able to work out your feelings.
Ok, thatís all for tonight. Stay tuned for the next time when I detail how Iím the best communicator ever.