Originally Posted by glassboheme
To be clear, my bf and Anne have known each other longer than I've known either one of them. They've both had feelings for one another for I don't know how long, my bf says he loves her, but they've never dated.
I never meant it to be one sided, I thought I could handle it, but I feel like it's tearing me up inside.
Thanks for the advise- I do need to read more about jealousy and work on that.
Please keep it mind that it is not wrong to feel that way
. You feel what you feel. It's what you do with it that makes all the difference.
Examine the feeling. Tear it apart down to its constituent components. Perhaps visualize a casual date between your bf and Anne (e.g.
, a meal out, some conversation, maybe a stroll somewhere, and then coming home, all platonic for the nonce). Then imagine him kissing her goodnight. Pay attention to exactly how you feel, when you feel it, and what you imagine them doing while you watch this little movie in your mind (so that you can identify triggers for your jealousy), and ask yourself questions: are you worried that he'll think she's prettier than you, or that she kisses better, or that he's going to leave you for her? You'll need to talk through these things, and he's going to have to be patient and give you reassurance and support as you speak truth to your fears and make them STFU. The single biggest reassurance, of course, is that he is still with you, freely, by his own choice.
Talk through all of this with your bf. While you're telling him what you feel, he needs to STFU--no interrupting, no arguing, no expressing frustration or exasperation, just STFU. At most nod, say, "mm-hmm" or something to let you know that he is listening attentively, but otherwise, STFU until you are done. You're stating your feelings so that they're out in the open--you're not making demands that he do or stop doing anything (make that clear from the outset). Make sure he heard you correctly. He shouldn't be telling you that you shouldn't feel X, Y, or Z. He should acknowledge that your feelings are real, and as you talk through it all, he needs to be asking questions to guide you through it, not to be making pronouncements that you should be all compersive.
Cunning Minx had an EXCELLENT special about all of this on her podcast a few years ago. The context was kink-friendly, and might not apply in that sense to your situation, but the scene they acted out about dealing with jealousy in a nonjudgmental, non-combative way was pure gold, and is well worth the 76 minutes to listen to the whole thing, as it addresses EXACTLY what you're feeling.
She has many of the podcasts tagged: the jealousy ones are at http://polyweekly.com/category/jealousy/
. The one in particular of which I'm thinking is the jealousy seminar
posted on 16 April 2006.