Is it too late to change my mind?
Hello, Iíve been going through a rough patch the past week and really re-evaluating a lot of things. Iíve been in a semi-open relationship for about two years now. My bf and I have been living together for over a year and a half. Iím bi and have felt this need to find female companionship, I think mostly because Iíve never experienced a relationship or sex with another woman. Iíve been on a few dates, and made out a few times. Thatís it.
My bf and I have a mutual friend (letís call her Anne). Anne and I have tried dating once and it didnít work out, weíve had an on/off relationship- mostly off, apart from making out a few times. When I met Anne she considered herself bi, but then felt like she was completely gay, and considered herself a lesbian. One night we were very drunk and I told my bf that her and I were going up to the bedroom- once Anne and I got there we started making out. Almost immediately I panicked, and all I wanted was my bf. I had this horrible mix of emotions that just didnĎt feel right. After everything was sorted I went to bed with my bf and cried for a bit before falling asleep in his arms. Anne and I have stayed very close friends.
Since then Iíve been even more confused about my feelings toward my own sexuality (weather my attraction toward women is mostly fantasy, and donĎt need anything physical) and also toward poly vs. mono for myself. Lately Iíve been leaning toward mono. And think maybe I wanted a poly life for the wrong reasons (afraid of commitment, and purposefully separating myself from social norms) I didnít really talk to my bf much about these possible revelations.
Last week my bf tells me that he and Anne want to start seeing each other, with a date planned out and everything. This freaked me out so much. All the times I talked about dating outside our relationship he would say that he only wanted me. Now heís telling me that heís in love with me but loves this other woman and wants to be able to express these feelings. Iíve been a nervous wreck. I sob uncontrollably, detached in unhealthy ways, pulled away from my bf with whom I share everything with, and Iíve been thinking about ďtaking a breakĒ from our relationship to give him time to work out these feelings for Anne.
Once he really started to see how upset Iíve been over this heís backed off and is taking the ďthe pace of the one who is struggling mostĒ approach. Saying that weíre just going to talk about it for now. I just donít feel like this lifestyle is right for me anymore, but what if Iíve realized it too little too late? I feel like if I were to go along with this (I donít even feel like I can do that, and would end up leaving my bf) itís only in hopes that the two of them realize they're not meant for one another and my bf and I can close our relationship once they're done. I feel like Iím at a breaking point and emotionally I donít think I can handle this.
Thank you for reading and help.