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Old 11-08-2011, 02:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I think "going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most" is a noble thing to do when a couple has first agreed to embark on a polyamorous arrangement, and it's meant to be a stage until the uncomfortable party is more comfortable.

HOWEVER, it is important to note that your husband has made it very clear he will never be comfortable with it. He is not willing to engage in a poly dynamic, does not want it, hates to discuss it, and has not agreed to it. So, I don't think "going at the pace ..." really applies here.

BUT I'm a bit confused. You're saying here that your husband is not willing to move forward; however, in your other thread, you said that he told you he just didn't want to know about it.

In that thread, you said that one day, after being very clear for several years that he would not stand for you to have sex with anyone else, he announced that you could go and have sex with the other men in your life. He told you that he would be hurt and unhappy about it and possibly leave you once the children are grown, but that he knows it is your choice, so he wants a DADT policy. Talking any further about it is very painful for him.

You then stated that if he was giving in out of resignation, instead of wanting you to be happy, you couldn't do it. You don't want to hurt him, but you feel like if it isn't all out in the open and with his blessing that it's not going to be satisfying to you in some way. I think you overlooked one very important thing: his request that you be discreet if you choose to develop more of a relationship with these men is his way of meeting you in the middle. This is the compromise he's proposed. He has given what he can live with, because he knows you want this. This is as generous as he can be on the matter. And it is generous!

He has arrived at an option that won't conflict with his beliefs and sense of security in the marriage. But you don't want to accept it. You want poly on your terms only, and are choosing to see him as not wanting to move forward. Can you see how that is a bit selfish on your part? Never mind if other polyfolk frown upon DADT policies. This is the best he can give you right now. I am certain he has gone very far beyond his comfort zone in offering that option to you.

This may seem like an unusual situation to most poly people, but remember, we're all about people discovering and creating the kind of relationships that work for them. So, in that spirit, my response might seem controversial, but if I were you, and I was as lonely and starved for connection and intimacy as you say you are, I'd accept his offer. And in return, with the utmost of gratitude, I would make sure he never knows a thing about it. I would do everything I could to preserve his "blind spot" toward your love life with other men. Realize that that is how you would be honoring his wishes. He doesn't want to know!!! You cannot change him into someone he is not - not overnight, anyway. He may come around years from now, but until then, this is what you've got to work with, honey.

So, the way I see it, his proposal to do what you want as long as he is never privy to it is his gift to you and, if I were you, I'd seriously consider accepting it. Why keep on torturing him by bringing it up and insisting he know and approve?!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 11-08-2011 at 02:42 AM.
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