Thanks Redpepper. I realize I am responsible for my choices, but I think I can't quite reconcile going after what I want when it means hurting someone I love. He wrote this to me today:
"The pattern has always been you make up your mind about what you want and you wiIl keep pushing till you get the concessions that you want. Nothing I do really is material. I see a very slippery slope and the progression (past present and future) is at least to me, very obvious."
It seems to me that he doesn't consider my desire for other relationships to be a valid one, so where I think I am being open about my needs and trying to find ways that work (for both of us) for me to get them met, he sees a pattern of manipulation where I keep railroading over his wishes. He doesn't have any intention of changing how he feels about polyamory, so my little baby steps are to him just going further and further beyond his comfort level, which is static.
I don't need sex with my other loves. I would enjoy having sex with someone who expressed such enthusiastic desire for me, and maybe matched my sexual temperament a little better, so it would be wonderful to add to my life, but I could conceivably be happy without. I do like to kiss and cuddle though. And what I most want is time to be with each of them. They both live out of town, and my husband is adamantly horrified at the thought of overnight visits -even without sex. The impropriety of it disgusts him. I almost think he'd rather I have discreet extramarital sex during the day than spend the night in separate bed in a house alone with a man. To me I feel as if he cares more about what other people think of us than how happy either of us feels.
We are planning a big talk tonight. I wish I could get him to read these things.