"Going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most" is never meant to be a life time thing. Its meant to be at certain times throughout a relationship and implies that the person struggling is given the time they need to actually working on the issues that have come up and moving forward. Your husband is not doing that. At some point its time to push. He is in denial and you are helping him be there as far as I can see. Its not okay to do things his way, he is going to have to face up to his fear at some point because its never okay to jeopardize your mental health for another for a long period of time.
What is it that you are not getting from your other partners? Sex? If you are with them and not having sex is there no room for closeness within that? Are you sure its lack of sex that is creating this feeling inside of you of not being fulfilled? I'm not trying to suggest otherwise here, I am just trying to see what kind of dynamic you have created with them.
Its important to note I think the YOU have chosen this, not your husband. He has no clout when it comes to what you do and what you think of what you do. Its your choice to be where you are now and while you have been wonderful at considering his needs, you have considered them at your detriment. Saying to him that you love him and that you always will but you are an independent woman that makes her own choices is not grounds for him to tell you that you are not a good wife. Its might be his opinion, but you don't have to accept that. Nor should you I don't think. He has made his choice, its time to make yours.
If I were in your situation and felt as you do (this is hitting very close to home I might add), I think I would get about planning to become closer to the other men in your life and ask your husband what he will need to be able to walk through his fear and possible jealousy as a result. I think I would inform him that his negative talk about you will not be tolerated and that you will listen but carry on anyway regardless of his opinion. What he says is not what you believe and tell him why. I think I would be informing him of a good therapist to go to (poly friendly), of some good literature to read, or on-line sites and then let him know that you intend to take one step at a time that will eventually lead to sex with these men. All the while reminding him that you love him and all the while showing him that by spending time with him and being the fantastic mother and wife you have always been. Then I would take a baby step and see what happens.
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