You really need to take a breath my friend. The poor woman will not be able to think if you keep carrying on the way you are. I understand you are frantic but your reaction to this is not making it easy for her and she may react by saying, "forget it, I'm done with you!" You are breaking your trust with her at this point, in my opinion. She trusts you to stand by her in tough times, when tough decisions need to be made. You are her best friend and need to act like one. This to me is what marriage is about, putting ourselves aside for one another so that we can be there in full attention, love, compassion and empathy. Regardless the issue.
With all due respect, if you want to keep her in your life, give her some breathing room. Cut the man some slack give him some room too and quite with the "he broke trust" thing! I don't see how he broke trust. He has just as much right to make sure he is okay as you do. He has invested in your wife now and things have changed. If you don't start going with it and figuring out what is behind these feelings you have for YOU, you will lose her because you're whining, storming around and ultimatums will not make her want to stay. She needs you to stand up and fight for the love you have and fight for yourself in it.
I'm sorry if this seems harsh. I'm not meaning it to be, it is meant to be a kick in the butt, because I would hate to see you lose everything.
I say it also out of what I would want as her in the same situation. I would need my man to be strong and fight for what we have regardless of the changes.
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