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Old 11-07-2011, 05:00 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 146

Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Hey MT, you're still living with that same ultimatum now? Has she ever even agreed to counseling?
We've seen a counselor once, but she didn't want to go back. Maybe she'll go again.

Yes, it's still the same ultimatum. I'm getting to the point where I'm willing to challenge her on that--does she really want a marriage based upon ultimatums?

Originally Posted by Magdlyn
I was married for over 30 years. One thing that is very much a fact of life in long term relationships is, the partners grow and change. I was of course, also married young, and I was also a closet poly with no words for it... I just felt unfaithful and "sick" on some days, and self righteous on other days, knowing my propensity for crushes was a natural part of me, and therefore *right,* no matter what society tried to tell me.

I also tried to hide and suppress it for many many years. I think when one gets to be a certain age, one accepts oneself (if one is brave enough) and says, enough is enough, this is who I am, take it or leave it. Things I promised when I was 22 and got married no longer felt relevant or healthy. When I made the vow to be faithful, I did it with my fingers crossed... I never cheated, but I couldn't stop my feelings, and finally they became too strong to be able to hide.
This sounds exactly like me. I was married at 25. For the last several years, I've been wanting to date again, and I've of course had attractions (some quite strong) to other women the whole time we've been married.

Originally Posted by Magdlyn
It really sucks to not feel accepted for who you authentically are by the person who is supposed to love you most. Your wife is in love with a facade, not the real you. How does she define "for better or for worse?" She is supposed to love you as you mature and learn more about your real self, and feel a need to express that! Not ask you to remain the same guy you were trying to present as at 25 or 30.
Yes. She wants an ideal that, for most, simply does not exist. The Cleavers were fiction.

It's been a rough weekend for other reasons--we've been dealing with what's likely rotavirus this weekend, and it's clearly not a good time to have difficult discussions.

She's just finished Stieg Larsson's Millennium trilogy, in which polyamory figures pretty heavily, so I'm hoping to be able to use that as a safe jumping off point to reopen dialog ("safe" because we'd be talking about the characters in the book, at least to start).
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