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Old 11-05-2011, 08:06 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
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Senga very glad to hear you found our blog inspiring; thank you.

SNeacail I'm not sure there was much wrong with the sleeping plan, except that it wasn't flexible enough. However, you are so absolutely right about the control thing. It's such a natural response to me in every aspect of my life, that I don't always even see it before somebody else points it out. So thank you for doing that. I definitely need to - and also really want to - learn to let go of the controlling.

Phy thank you so much for writing!! I think your advice about trying not to worry unless somebody expresses that there is a problem is excellent. I agree both in practical terms and with the broader sentiment. Firstly, I can't read minds, I need to let go of controlling everything, and I will go insane if I keep worrying about all potential issues somebody might have. Seconly, it's counter-productive: if I do manage to "read somebody's mind", i.e. guess that there is something they feel bad about, and I solve it somehow, they never need to communicate it to me, which isn't really good for our relationship. I do need to trust both of them to express their needs. Rationally, I truly see that it is their responsibility, too, I just need to remind myself about it whenever I start worrying.

About the fear and loving: in my general state of mind, I do believe that I am a good partner and a lovable person. Thus, I don't usually fear abandonment, because I'm confident that I can continue being satisfied with my life even it the worst happens. But there does seem to be a more deep-rooted fear, which is not so much of abandonment, but of not being accepted and loved as I am, particularly in regards to the aspects of myself that I find hard to accept myself. I guess it relates to the pleasing, as in, there's some belief that if only I am good enough a partner, it will compensate for the aspects which are "lacking". The rational side of me doesn't really believe all the things my emotional side believes. Just need to get the latter to listen to the former...

opalescent thank you for your lovely words.
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