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Old 11-05-2011, 03:38 AM
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ray ray is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819

Oh my, today has been a bit rough. I got demoted at work. I felt a bit ambushed as I never got feedback on the issues so that I could attempt to fix it. I teach computer lessons and work on the sales floor. Apparently some customers had complained about their lessons over the last few months but I was never notified or anything. Then this morning, I'm handed a paper with a list of customer complaints dating back a couple of months. I'd switched operating systems at home right around the time I'd gotten the job so it had been tough to stay up to date on new software and practice stuff. In addition, there were multiple occasions where I asked for additional training and was blown off. So, I'm hurt and upset. I'm also looking for a new job since I don't really feel like I can trust my bosses after they spent a couple of months compiling reasons to demote me without ever giving me a chance to respond to feedback.

On a more positive note, I turned in my first grad school application. I've got two more due later. Let's hope I get in somewhere! It's such a nerve-wracking process, wondering if you'll get in and all that business. I feel hopeful but I don't want to be too disappointed if I don't get in. If I don't, then I'll work for a year and reapply. With the field I'm applying to, work experience is fairly important so that would probably due the trick. It's really the only major weak spot in my application. It's crazy to think about moving across the country or where ever. Part of me feels ready to move on and part of me really loves it here. I've applied to the school I already attend, so I might end up stay. It does, however, definitely feel good to start moving on with life. I'm graduating in May (finally!).

I've been turning down guys to date lately. For one thing, I'm way busy with school until the end of the semester and after Beanstalk, I have a better idea of the chemistry level I want in guys I continue dating. I still can't get Beanstalk off my mind. Even when I try not to I still end up thinking about him a lot. Feel free to chime in with opinions on this one. So initially, we decided to keep it platonic because

1) He's 36, I'm 22.
2) He's about a year out of a divorce (10 yr relationship)
3) He lives across the street

We're still in touch and hang out on occasion but I have such a tough time focusing because all I want to do is cuddle up and kiss him. Not only do I desperately want to jump his bones, but he seems to be a pretty decent human being and we have quite a bit in common.
Part of me wants to ask him if he'd reconsider and part of me worries that it couldn't possibly be a good idea. I know that the worst he can say is no but I'm feeling rather sensitive these days to rejection so I'm not sure I want to open myself up to that.

In the meanwhile, to keep myself occupied, I keep fantasizing about a professor of mine He's older and has that dominating aura that I find so sexy. He's older ie 50 and married so it's not something I would ever bring to reality but it sure is fun to think about. Does that make me a total lecher? lol It's actually a really great graduate seminar thing and I'm learning a lot, sexual fantasies aside.

I'm still on hiatus from kink after the scene with Nurse. I haven't even gotten back on fetlife although I do follow lots of kinky people on twitter. Just has less drama than fetlife right now. I also want to feel in control of people sexualizing me. I am starting to feel better sexualizing myself in fantasies but I'm not feeling that comfortable with others doing it. Although....Beanstalk might be an exception if he were willing. I realized that I want sex and love to be connected so I'm going to wait until I get into a mono relationship to try the things I consider 'sexual.' I define it broadly because to me spanking is sex just as much as intercourse or any other form. Or a few other kinky things as well. Some kinks, while I enjoy them, aren't necessarily all that sexual for me. Such as suspension bondage or electricity or interrogation. Certainly they could be, but they don't have to be.

This next month will be intense. I've got lots of writing to do which means lots of reading as well since it's research stuff. I feel like I'm almost at the tippy top a rollercoaster and in a few breaths I'm going to be free falling and screaming at the top of my lungs, waiting to hit the bottom of the curve. I'm excited for the future though. It feels good to be making decisions and getting things done.
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