Originally Posted by violet
Another place I see a fundamental difference. This statement is scary to me. I can understand HMA being my fiance second and an individual first – but I guess, I've learned that I can't handle not being primary. No way, no how. I'm trying to get my head around it, but it's just not gonna happen as far as I can see. lol The problem that happens, at least with me, is that say HMA and Anne grew closer and I kind of became either truly equal, or less than that. I couldn't handle it. I would drop an ultimatum too – either Anne goes, or I do. And I'd be damn solid in that. When you're not ready, you're not ready. I personally kind of think that if a REALLY SERIOUSLY poly person is with someone who is poly, but knows they will have insecurities – that the more poly person needs to be respectful. It's easier to slow something down than to force someone to speed things up, in my experience. I'm trying to understand why it sounds like there can be no compromise – you can't ask someone to just SLOW DOWN? Not stop, just um … put on the breaks and hit pause for a minute so everyone can get their heads together? That doesn't sound fair...
Thoughts in random order--
1. Ultimatums are childish.
If a person has an issue-(insecurity or some specific thing they can not handle in a relationship) and that thing pops up. They have the RIGHT to ask the other person-is this something you NEED because I can't live with this **pick your term**. But when you make an ultimatum you are choosing to make the other person responsible for YOUR issue. That's childish. If you have an issue-it's YOUR issue to deal with.
I have needs/issues. Sure-if Maca chooses to get a girlfriend in the 16-19 year old category-I will leave. Because I inherently believe it is wrong. But I would still love him, we would still raise our kids as friends. I just can't sleep with a 30+ year old man who is having sex with a person I deem a child. BUT I would never say "her or me". Because THAT is making HIM take responsibility for MY terms. They are my terms, I take responsibility and ownership for them and if that situation comes up-I will just gently and kindly redesign our relationship to a more "proper fit" for my well-being.
2. Yes you can always ask-but you can't demand. Relationships between adults are based on the assumption that we are equals and as such no one person has a right to DEMAND anything from another.
3. How do you know it's easier to "slow down"? We have no way of knowing that OUR needs are EASIER or HARDER than someone else's. We are incapable of knowing the depth of someone else's needs-one of the weak points in our brains abilities. It's all perspective and in my experience when a person starts thinking that their perspective is "more right" then someone else's -the relationship is already doomed so the perspectives themselves become arbitrary.
4. I created a whole thread on the fact that insecure people need to stop acting like martyrs and start recognising that they are fully and completely responsible for their insecurities, all actions resulting from those insecurities AND the pain and damage they do to others on account of those actions. Yes-it is fair to ask someone IF they can make a compromise for your benefit.
BUT that has to be done side by side with the knowledge and acceptance that the answer may be no.
No one-absolutely no one should EVER compromise their TRUE self for another person. There are enough people in the world that there is no reason to do that. Loving someone does NOT mean that two people belong together as a couple. I have plenty of exboyfriends turned friends to prove that sometimes someone you love isn't a good "FIT" for you.
I'm the "more poly" person (one would think) because I asked for the poly dynamic to be added to our marriage. BUT that doesn't mean that my needs are more easily controlled or manipulated than Maca's. Some are, some are not.
I CAN (and did) agree to not adding anyone new. But I could not agree to "slow down" with GG. The reality is that the love was already there and he already lives with us. The relationship is already established and there is no "backing out" to make Maca more comfortable. I did agree not to kiss or make out with him in front of Maca for now because he's "getting used to it" BUT I can't (didnt and won't) promise "I just won't kiss him because it makes you uncomfortable" AND his request also demands that he allow me "private time" to be ABLE to be "me" in my other relationship that isn't "in his face". If he doesn't take responsbiilty to ensure my private time-then he will see it.
It's called compromise-yes his feeling matter and are VERY important and need tended. So are mine-JUST as important and in need of tending. No "one" is more important than the other just because one person is poly and one is less so or not....
That's like saying RP's feelings aren't priority because Mono is well.. mono.
No one here would say that-it's ridiculous.
EACH person's feelings ARE equally important.
I will put the disclaimer in that the above sentence I am presuming that we are talking about fully equal responsibility in the family. I agree with Mono that people who are less involved in the family have less of a say so. But that isn't the topic here.