Originally Posted by LovingRadiance
I DO know-that I fell in love with GreenGecko years ago.
I know that Maca struggled(s) with the same types of concerns you are because of it.
More importantly I know that falling in love with GreenGecko didn't cause me in ANYWAY to fall out of love with Maca at ANY POINT. In fact-if GreenGecko had agreed to stepback "if the marriage relationship between Maca and I was on the rocks" I would be divorced from Maca right now.
That sounds nuts I'm sure-but it's the GODS HONEST TRUTH (whether you believe in a God or not I presume you can grasp I'm trying to show the DEPTH of truth there).
If I hadn't had Gecko backing me up, keeping me strong and reassuring me of his love there is NO WAY I could have possibly managed to hold it together through Maca's drama. I love him-I always have (since I was 13 years old actually) and I always will. BUT I'm not a strong enough person to survive the emotional beating I get when dealing with his insecurities, fears and issues.
So if Maca had enforced the rule you did-he would have ended up divorced. But what he's found is that by allowing me my love for and from GreenGecko-he gets MORE love-because I have more to give him. he has more sex (which is a big deal to him) because I am emotionally "safe, secure and satisfied" and our relationship flourishes because I can fully and honestly be my strongest, truest most honest self.
Even though what was between HMA, Anne, and I isn't there anymore, I'm still really interested in learning more about myself, and grasping poly relationships, just in case. Lol I'm curious to understand your mindset here. I think I'm in much the same place – or was – as NightDragon either is, or was. Meh. You get what I mean.
If Anne hadn't backed off when HMA and I were going through a rough spot, and HMA had just tried to assure me that he didn't fall out of love with me, and leaned on Anne for support without respecting what I was going through – HMA would have found himself single. Or, rather, with only one girlfriend. I think it can go both ways. Someone like you, and possibly DF, couldn't see how pulling away from one love to work on another would work. Having HMA lean on someone else he LOVED while “dealing with my drama” would set off a cycle of insecurity I just flat wouldn't be able to deal with. The root issues that would bring up of fear and pain would be far too much for me to bear. I guess it's a fundamental difference between “people like you” and “people like me”. I would be devestated – but I'd have to leave.
You are upset because the relationship grew and therefore changed and you weren't expecting or wanting that.
But the nature of LIFE AND RELATIONSHIPS is that they continue to change. Always. We are creatures of change. Every single day parts of who we are die off and new and different parts are born. We are always changing. Who was are is never the same from one day to the next.
So if YOU love her and TRULY want what is best for your marriage-then you need to really make some peace with the reality that she is an individual FIRST and your wife second. Not your wife first and an individual second.
THEN you also need to accept that about yourself and about any other person who may or may not be involved in our dynamic.
Another place I see a fundamental difference. This statement is scary to me. I can understand HMA being my fiance second and an individual first – but I guess, I've learned that I can't handle not being primary. No way, no how. I'm trying to get my head around it, but it's just not gonna happen as far as I can see. lol The problem that happens, at least with me, is that say HMA and Anne grew closer and I kind of became either truly equal, or less than that. I couldn't handle it. I would drop an ultimatum too – either Anne goes, or I do. And I'd be damn solid in that. When you're not ready, you're not ready. I personally kind of think that if a REALLY SERIOUSLY poly person is with someone who is poly, but knows they will have insecurities – that the more poly person needs to be respectful. It's easier to slow something down than to force someone to speed things up, in my experience. I'm trying to understand why it sounds like there can be no compromise – you can't ask someone to just SLOW DOWN? Not stop, just um … put on the breaks and hit pause for a minute so everyone can get their heads together? That doesn't sound fair...
I dunno. I'm still trying to understand my feelings on the matter. I won't hijack ND's thread for it, lol. Maybe I should start one of my own to understand better. Your outlook has just been so helpful to me LR, I really want to try to understand.