Well-I don't have the ability to make a "final outcome" conclusion on his actions without hearing from him.
I DO know-that I fell in love with GreenGecko years ago.
I know that Maca struggled(s) with the same types of concerns you are because of it.
More importantly I know that falling in love with GreenGecko didn't cause me in ANYWAY to fall out of love with Maca at ANY POINT. In fact-if GreenGecko had agreed to stepback "if the marriage relationship between Maca and I was on the rocks" I would be divorced from Maca right now.
That sounds nuts I'm sure-but it's the GODS HONEST TRUTH (whether you believe in a God or not I presume you can grasp I'm trying to show the DEPTH of truth there).
If I hadn't had Gecko backing me up, keeping me strong and reassuring me of his love there is NO WAY I could have possibly managed to hold it together through Maca's drama. I love him-I always have (since I was 13 years old actually) and I always will. BUT I'm not a strong enough person to survive the emotional beating I get when dealing with his insecurities, fears and issues.
So if Maca had enforced the rule you did-he would have ended up divorced. But what he's found is that by allowing me my love for and from GreenGecko-he gets MORE love-because I have more to give him. he has more sex (which is a big deal to him) because I am emotionally "safe, secure and satisfied" and our relationship flourishes because I can fully and honestly be my strongest, truest most honest self.
Obviously I don't know any of you. I only know that when people starting making ultimatums-they generally find themselves hurt by them.... Just not a good practice imo.
If you note that he isn't "following" a rule-then maybe the better solution would be (have been) to follow up with "has something changed in the dynamic of our relationship that requires a change in rules becuase I see that you are finding yourself unable to stick to the rules."
Relationships are organic someone said on here early (I think it was rolypoly).
I think that is sort of what I'm hearing as a problem in your situation. You are upset because the relationship grew and therefore changed and you weren't expecting or wanting that.
But the nature of LIFE AND RELATIONSHIPS is that they continue to change. Always. We are creatures of change. Every single day parts of who we are die off and new and different parts are born. We are always changing. Who was are is never the same from one day to the next.
So if YOU love her and TRULY want what is best for your marriage-then you need to really make some peace with the reality that she is an individual FIRST and your wife second. Not your wife first and an individual second.
THEN you also need to accept that about yourself and about any other person who may or may not be involved in our dynamic.
Once you do that you need to identify if where you are in your life and who you are allows for you to love her AND be with her, NO MATTER WHO SHE BECOMES.
If Maca committed murder-I would be heartbroken-but I love him NO MATTER WHO HE BECOMES and while I WOULD help prosecute him and send him to just punishment-I would not divorce him as marriage is the symbol I give to show my commitment to loving him no matter what.
"Love As Thou Wilt"