Originally Posted by suziesue
I then asked her if the three-way situation was making her unhappy or jealous, and she said there were some things that she felt she 'didn't have the right to ask for'. I asked her if she would be happier if Alan and I weren't perusing a relationship with each other, but she refused to answer the question.
If I were you I would encourage Alan to find out from her what needs she's not expressing, what she feels she doesn't have a right to ask. There may be some fairly simple changes that could be made to make her more comfortable, or there could be deeper problems, but either way getting it out in the open will be the best way to keep this sneaky stuff from happening again. If you think she'd not take it poorly, you could also tell her that you've encouraged him to bring it up and that of course it's their relationship to sort out but that you want to find a way to make this work for everyone involved.
So right now I'm feeling in a bit of a mess. I feel guilty that I may have been hurting Bridget by seeing Alan, but I don't want to stop seeing Alan (writing that makes me feel like a horribly selfish person). I also feel that Bridget has been being, er, manipulative, I guess? Its a bit of a stronger word than I mean really, just that she had been subtly (and probably not consciously) trying to control interactions between Alan and I, so I feel I can't trust her.
It makes sense to feel bad about it... after all, what jerk would *want* to be the cause of stride between their SO and metamour?... but don't fall into the trap of assuming that because she feels bad you did something wrong. Guilt's not called for here. And yes, she was being manipultative, I think there are too many examples there to claim it was unconscious, and her trying to turn things around and guilt you over looking at the messages when it was Alan showing them to you, and when they were about you, just confirms the pattern of manipulation. Hopefully it's something she can get past by being honest about the difficulties she's having. Good on you for delving into this situation and exposing the real problem rather than just letting something slide that was making you uncomfortable.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.