I do think it makes sense to understand that you can't "make" her be rational about this... maybe it'll allow you to relax and rest a little knowing that if she won't meet you at least part way, that's on her.
I'm reminded of the scene in From Dusk Til Dawn when the former preacher says to George Clooney's character "don't you know when you've won?". Anybody seen that? The point was that Clooney couldn't stop causing problems and screwing things up for himself even though he'd gotten exactly what he wanted.
In terms of the D/s component, it may explain why she's latched on so strongly to this guy, she's getting something very emotionally powerful that she may have craved for a long time and never had before. But it's a false intimacy if this guy doesn't really care for her, and it's sad that she doesn't see that. Any one of a million doms out there with more warmth and love for their partners could give her the same thing.
Maybe counseling, either as a couple or just for her, or both? Rage issues can't be good with small kids around...
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.