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Old 11-03-2011, 03:54 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh shit, what a mess. Here it was that Alan did make a mistake but only because it was Bridget who was interfering. Yes, I'd be irritated to say the least, if not just plain pissed off, that she was lying to him and trying to manipulate how you communicated. She was very passive-aggressive there. It's not irreparable or a huge betrayal, but I would feel distrustful of her, too. And the whole thing about saying you shouldn't have looked at her texts doesn't hold water because she was sending them to make them look like they were on your behalf!! He showed them to you, because he thought you were a party to sending them, so it wasn't wrong of you to look. Her having done that is indeed super manipulative and controlling.

I admire you for expressing your feelings to them right off the bat in the conversations you had. You didn't let it stew. It is obvious you have a good sense of self, think clearly, and are unafraid to communicate with them. So, I am sure, if you feel the need to speak to her further, you will find a way to tell her about the distrust you are feeling because that was not cool of her to do. However, you then second-guess yourself - why feel guilty about bringing up something like this where a deception has been uncovered? It was not your fault that he felt "bad" or weird about what happened. He was apologetic, but it sounds like he was probably confused more than anything, AND he was hurt by Bridget, not you.

What stands out to me, though, is that you are wondering if your relationship with Alan is messing this up with him and Bridget. It sounds like you thought that you should step back from seeing Alan if she is uncomfortable. But why? That is sort of saying that her relationship with him takes precedence over your relationship with him. I skimmed through your other thread and it sounds like, except for the distance between you and them (how far?), things all came together serendipitously and you have a history with both of them. But you were feeling like you are coming between them somehow or like you were having to be split in your loyalties to one or the other. It sounds to me like all three of you would benefit from having a group discussion (on video I guess) and air out the dirty laundry. Shining the light of day on things can only do good, even if it's uncomfortable for a while. Best of luck.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 11-03-2011 at 08:54 PM.
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